Growing up, nothing made my heart ache more than seeing two women living and being together in love. I’ve never even fantasized about having that American Dream life that I was so close to achieving. As a matter of fact, I did what I did in life based on how others would perceive me.
In my reality; I’m 28, separated, about to start school again and move far away from everything I know.
I have a girlfriend. It’s a simple fact that she deserves a good woman, which I consider myself to be. My problem is that I will eventually have to tell my parents. I mean why should I care? I’m almost 30. This is why I care:
- My sister goes back and forth with men and women. I don’t want to be viewed as confused. I also don’t want them to be disappointed that they have yet another daughter interested in women.
- I feel like I became the perfect child to them. Educated, married with one kid and even an entrepreneur. I will certainly be knocked off of my pedestal. This tops my divorce, trust me.
- I don’t want to be perceived by them as indecisive. I definitely don’t want them to think I’m going crazy because of my brother’s murder.
Again, all these things pale in comparison to my happiness. I keep asking myself, can I spend my life with a woman? I don’t have an answer. I ask myself, can I spend my life with a man? Both answers escape me. So I ask myself can I spend my life with Sweets (my girlfriend)? and I still don’t know the answer.
She’s so sweet and nice and she cares so much about me. She’s perfect to me but I’m scared. Being with a woman is something that I have always wanted but when it comes down to announcing it to the World, I am at a loss of words.
I sometimes blame my indecisiveness and unwillingness to make a decision on the fact that I am fresh out of a relationship that lasted over ten years.
So, back to my original question, can I spend my life with a woman?
I want to say, it has surely been a fantasy although I have tried so many times to remove the image from my head. I convinced myself that being with a woman is a choice and I may as well be with a man because I can. I can actually choose whether I want to be with a man or a woman so why not choose a man? The problem with this is that I have always longed to be with a woman. I don’t just want the sex, although it is fantastic, I want the love too.
Did I forget to say that she’s all in? All in!! She constantly talks about our future together and being a family and even though I keep telling her to slow down and give me time, I can’t help but to think about our future too. I can’t help but recognize that I am falling in love with her and I want to.
I don’t have an answer to my questions but I do have a girlfriend. I am very sure that she would be hurt if she knew that I was keeping her a secret. I don’t want to hurt her. I have to tell my family… but when?