Hiding in the Closet

Growing up, nothing made my heart ache more than seeing two women living and being together in love. I’ve never even fantasized about having that American Dream life that I was so close to achieving. As a matter of fact, I did what I did in life based on how others would perceive me.
In my reality; I’m 28, separated, about to start school again and move far away from everything I know.
I have a girlfriend. It’s a simple fact that she deserves a good woman, which I consider myself to be. My problem is that I will eventually have to tell my parents. I mean why should I care? I’m almost 30. This is why I care:
  • My sister goes back and forth with men and women. I don’t want to be viewed as confused. I also don’t want them to be disappointed that they have yet another daughter interested in women.
  • I feel like I became the perfect child to them. Educated, married with one kid and even an entrepreneur. I will certainly be knocked off of my pedestal. This tops my divorce, trust me.
  • I don’t want to be perceived by them as indecisive. I definitely don’t want them to think I’m going crazy because of my brother’s murder.
Again, all these things pale in comparison to my happiness. I keep asking myself, can I spend my life with a woman? I don’t have an answer. I ask myself, can I spend my life with a man? Both answers escape me. So I ask myself can I spend my life with Sweets (my girlfriend)? and I still don’t know the answer.
She’s so sweet and nice and she cares so much about me. She’s perfect to me but I’m scared. Being with a woman is something that I have always wanted but when it comes down to announcing it to the World, I am at a loss of words.
I sometimes blame my indecisiveness and unwillingness to make a decision on the fact that I am fresh out of a relationship that lasted over ten years.
So, back to my original question, can I spend my life with a woman?
I want to say, it has surely been a fantasy although I have tried so many times to remove the image from my head. I convinced myself that being with a woman is a choice and I may as well be with a man because I can. I can actually choose whether I want to be with a man or a woman so why not choose a man? The problem with this is that I have always longed to be with a woman. I don’t just want the sex, although it is fantastic, I want the love too.
Did I forget to say that she’s all in? All in!! She constantly talks about our future together and being a family and even though I keep telling her to slow down and give me time, I can’t help but to think about our future too. I can’t help but recognize that I am falling in love with her and I want to.
I don’t have an answer to my questions but I do have a girlfriend. I am very sure that she would be hurt if she knew that I was keeping her a secret. I don’t want to hurt her. I have to tell my family… but when?

2 thoughts on “Hiding in the Closet”

  1. Your middle bullet makes me think of an exchange with a roommate I had in law school. Before she began dating women, her very Jewish mom had chided her for dating a man named Christian. After she started dating women, her mom constantly asked, “Why don’t you start during that nice Christian fellow again?”

    The pull to have definitive answers is strong. The thing is, definitive answers aren’t right nearly as often as we’d like. My suggestion would be to take the now as best you can, being kind to yourself, and embrace then then. By then, you’ll have even more experience on which to draw. Any which way, best wishes!

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