Reflection

I applied my eye liner as his voice popped into my head, “You know it’s wrong. This guy is bad news Alicia.”

I snatched the plane tickets from his hand, “You never could accept him, I’m not gonna try to make you.”

“Please try to see my side in this!?”

I remember getting in his face and looking him straight in his eyes. I gave him the meanest look I could. “I don’t need your advice. I don’t need you!” I waved the tickets in his face.

My mind was brought back to the present as I adjusted my weave slightly. “Beautiful,” I thought to myself.  I finished my makeup with lipstick.

I looked at myself in the mirror. I see pure perfection; premium ass shots that ran 10 grand. I have the best assets here if you know what I mean. I had my tits done for seven grand. My body is fantastic. I admired the gray colored contacts I flossed. Men flocked to me and even women want to get a piece of this.

My mind flashed back to that night and the pain I felt when he spoke to me, “I’m leaving Alicia. I wish it were different.”

My heart thumped in my chest. I couldn’t understand why this was such a big deal to him but I kind of knew this day would come. I sucked it up and I let him walk out of my life. That was years ago and I had come so far since that day. My money, my body, and my mind have all been changed.

Right now Lil’ Tony was the newest rapper in the industry. I want to get close to him during this video shoot. My outfit is all white, basically see through. Hell, it’s closer to a bathing suit.

I walked onto the set and stood next to the rest of the models. I am definitely the prettiest. Light skin, gray eyes, the body of a goddess and weave down to my ass. I don’t buy the cheap stuff either. My weave is always top of the line Indian hair. I see at least three of these girls’ weave glue and the number of lace fronts made my head hurt.

The desperation in most of these girls made my stomach turn. They actually think being a video model will pay their bills. I’m smarter than them, much smarter. I do these videos to get close to rich rappers. My record is solid. Platinum J, Billionaire Boss, and a few others, I don’t like to drop names but I do.

Dating rappers has landed me penthouses, clothes, cars, money, and I don’t even have to have sex with them much because they often find it elsewhere. Actually the sex is normally disappointing. I don’t even know why expect much anyway.

I smiled to myself. They like their personal strippers. Later that night I had Lil’ Tony eating out the palm of my hand. The way I slid down his pole was like a professional. I learned that even though these men get offered sex often, it’s not like my sex game. My flexibility is out of this World and I can’t even begin to explain my tongue game. Typically, they always come back for more.

You see, they think the little bit of money is just change and it is to them. I have my modeling gigs. I do the whole social networking thing. I have over two million followers on Twitter. It’s because how fine I am. My Instagram is crazy too. Of course, my pictures are always fantastic. I even have a small clothing line and I was thinking about getting into sex toys. I’m sure they sell well.

The next morning I woke up with a banging headache. I opened my eyes but everything was blurry. I smelled water, not like a pool but salty like the ocean. I could hear waves splashing against what I assumed was a boat. I tried to roll over but my hands were handcuffed. I tried yanking my arms but felt weak, I couldn’t move. I heard footsteps. “Hello!” I screamed as loud as I could. The strength it took to yell was making me weaker. My heart raced as fear set in. Where am I? Tears start running down my face as yelled, “help! Somebody! Please!” I felt the panic deep inside me and could hear my heart beating faster in my ear. My palms were sweating and I could feel the moisture dripping down my face. A tear escaped my eye as I figured today would be my last day in this lovely Earth.

When I was a child I would love to hang out in the forest preserve with my friends. Sticks and flowers seemed to be all we needed to stay entertained. I inhaled deeply imagining the smell from those times. My nose was always pleasantly assaulted with the scent of grasses, oak, and an endless amount of flowers. I pictured the deer we’d witness eating or running through there at one time or another.

Then we got into boys, weed, and liquor. It’s been a wrap since then. My best friend growing up is dead. Her abusive boyfriend killed her by accident. We kept telling her to leave him. Being called a bitch is one thing, being punched in the face is another. My other friend LaLa is currently in jail for not wanting to snitch on her drug dealing boyfriend. Both of their experiences taught me not to mess with drug dealers and to leave at the first sign of violence. I will leave if a man even raises his voice to me. A lot has changed since those days in the trees.

I thought about my father again and how our fight seems so petty now. What I wouldn’t give for my daddy to come get me. When he walked out the door, he left forever. He had always tried but spending my early years with a crack addict made me hate him. My mom was the worst while he ran around doing God knows what. Still… I love him and would like to have him back. I thought about all the rappers who had given me money and the people that I hurt in my voyage to the top. I realized that if I do die today, there would be no one to miss me. Hell I don’t even know if anyone likes me. everything that has been so valuable to me, seems very unimportant at this moment.

If I make it out of here alive, I’m changing my life. I have enough money to start my own business and I could stop being bothered with these rappers. My mom, crack addict or not was someone that I love dearly. I figured one day I could help get her off of that stuff. Just once do something good for someone I love. It’s just that I got so distracted by the glitz and the glamour. I valued the way women envied me and the way men pined after me. It distracted me from what was important in life.  Tears streamed down my face as I felt my life slipping away from me. Why am I here? What’s next?

“She’s awake,” I heard a man whisper.

“Hello,” I screamed again. I saw a blurry figure enter the room.

“What do you want?” I cried out weakly.

“Calm down,” the familiar voice urged, “everything is ok.”

“Who are you?” I asked panting somewhat.

He chuckled, “We go through this every time Alicia. That’s why I use handcuffs now.”

“How do you know my name?” I asked fearful of the answer.

“We’re friends,” He said moving closer to me.

“I don’t have friends.” I tried to move as far away from him as I could but my body felt paralyzed and the handcuffs were starting to dig into my skin.

“It’s ok,” he cooed as he stuck a needle into my arm. I felt the liquid travel into my veins and knock me out.

I woke up next to Lil’ Tony. He was still asleep so I crept off to the bathroom. Usually I get ready before the men wake up to avoid them seeing my imperfect face. I feel different. I’m a little woozy but that could be from the champagne last night. I looked down at my arm and saw a speckle of blood. Where did that come from?  It looks as though my bracelet left an imprint on my wrists, which I don’t believe has ever happened before. I felt that there was something I was supposed to remember about my dream maybe? I left Lil’ Tony my number and headed home. I just wish I could remember what I don’t remember.

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