Defining my Sexuality

I broke down my life to see if I am really gay or not. 

1. My first kiss was with a girl. The first time I had an orgasm with another individual it was a female.

2. I told my brothers when I was like nine that I liked girls. There were no girls that I actually liked. For some reason, I just felt like it. 

3. When I was 11 I fantasized about how nice it would be to have my own place and come home to a woman every night. 

4. At 14, I had my first crush on a girl. 

5. My sophomore year in high school there was this girl I wanted to talk to but I was scared. 

6. I told my friends at 22 that I was bisexual. 

7. I have always had a nagging jealous type of feeling when I see other lesbian couples. I have never felt this way about straight couples.

During the time with my husband whom I’ve been with since 17, I have talked to numerous women. Men too but not nearly as much as women. During my time as a kid I had been perceived as “boy crazy” but honestly most guys I didn’t care for, I talked to them just to do it. As I get older, I am less and less attracted to men.  

I really feel like I’m gay. I’m not completely sure because when I see dark skin men, the really dark ones, I still feel very attracted to them. Still the thought of putting another dick in my mouth makes me feel ugh. 

Even when I did it for my husband it made me feel disrespected, even though I liked pleasing him at some point. I can honestly say it’s been over a year since I have enjoyed sex with him.  

I’ve known for a very long time that if him and I ended, I would be with women. 

Honestly, being straight is very, very hard for me. The hardest part about being with a women is dealing with society. Which, for the most part is disturbed by it.  

Creeping to the club

I have been having an awesome time in my hometown visiting my family. Let me tell you about my Tuesday. First, I let my girl know that I was going to lunch with my friend. She says to me, “It better be just a friend.” So I was pissed at her and I went off on her, but I calmed down. I told her that I love her and she should know I’m being true to her. She should be able to feel it in her heart and if she doesn’t trust me, I can’t prove that I’m being faithful to her. It’s impossible. I then told her how much I love her and how a long distance relationship is gonna be hard and if she can’t handle it let me know now. I don’t want to get anymore involved if she’s not going to be able to come through for me. I love that woman with so much in me, it’s ridiculous. 

Ok, so next my friend says, “You wanna go out tonight?”
I say, “Hell yeah. Let’s kick it bitch!” 

I told my girl and she was pissed. I could tell, because she gets two nights off a week and Tuesday is one of them. She went to the club with her friend on Saturday so I felt like she couldn’t really claim. I told her I don’t mind if she dances with girls. She replied, “I don’t know how you do it.”

So, we go to this club that one of my sister’s happen to work out. Let me just say it’s ghetto out here. The way they dress. They’re in the club smoking blunts. That had me tripping. 

so let me break it down for you. I didn’t really mind dancing with guys as long as they weren’t trying to grind on me. But these motherfuckers thought they could feel on me and shit so dancing with guys was dead. It was this old man I kept dancing with because he was in his zone and he didn’t touch me at all, we were a safe distance apart the whole time. 

There were three studs there. If you don’t know, I love studs. They make me feel a crazy type of way when I’m attracted to them. Two of them were together. The other was with her girlfriend. I assume that was her girlfriend because they were together all night. 

So, the two studs that were together, I went up to one and asked if she wanted to dance, then I asked if that was her girl. I’ve met plenty of studs that were into other studs. She shook her head, which meant nothing to me because I asked her two questions. Then I asked if she was drunk and she nodded. I’m like ok, strike one but whatever, I went through a period where I would try to get at studs just to test my game so I’ve been turned down plenty. I walked away. 

The one that was with her girlfriend. First, I give her girlfriend props, she had on this gray dress with a super big booty, she was just thick for no reason. Seriously though when I saw her ass I’m like damn your girl scored lol.

The stud though, was dressed in red, with dreads, she was brown skin, and the way she kept looking at me made me want to give up my religion for her. 

Still even with looking I don’t fuck strangers but I would’ve definitely done some things to her on that dance floor. whew! I cannot even express how she had me feeling, I just know even now, I’m thinking about her and that look she gave me. Jesus, I wanted her. 

So, next thing that happened. I was dancing with my friend and I felt like she didn’t smell fresh, so I was trying to split myself up from her so people didn’t think it was me. What? She’s grown enough not to go out smelling bad. I make my way across the dance floor to see if there were any new chicks to dance with. This girl grabs my arm to dance with her. I go to try and dance with her and this other chick basically pushes me with her body hard. I’m like ok chick, you got it. She wasn’t all that anyway lol. I keep it moving. Then a fucking fight breaks out, so I go back the way I came. I don’t want to get in a fight or get hit by some retards in one. On my way back to the area I was originally, I see the girl that pushed me out the way. She kinda stopped me and rubbed my arm sensually. I’m not sure what she said, but I said “hi” to her and kept it moving. 

I’m not really one for conflict as you can see. I always tell people don’t let irrelevant mf’s take them out of their zone. 

My friend says when we’re leaving, “If I was off on Thursday we would go to the gay club.” 
“Yeah, I would really get in trouble at the gay club.” I say to her. 

I had a really fun night and my legs hurt so bad viciously from dancing. 

The Art of Coming Out

My best friend is getting married and she asked me if I was going to bring a date to the wedding. I told her that I would since my girlfriend pretty much volunteered to be my date. I mean seriously… who goes to a wedding alone? 

This sent me into panic mode. My best friend definitely knows I’m into females even though I think it makes her uncomfortable. It may just make me uncomfortable. I’m not sure.

I contemplated going with my girlfriend as a “friend” but I felt everyone would know anyway because she’s going to wear a tux that I’m sure she will look very good in and I’m gonna have a hard time not admiring her. She even volunteered to wear a dress. I thought that was very cute. 

As much as I like to look at feminine women, it’s something about a woman in men’s clothes that really gets me going, so no I don’t want her to show up in a dress.

I made a rational to decision to skip coming out altogether. The important people in my life know I’m into women but not that I have a girlfriend. So why make it a big deal?

I am by no means trying to keep my relationship a secret but rather I am going to mention it casually as to avoid getting asked questions I won’t or don’t want to answer. 

I tried this:

I’m on this long ass bus ride to see my sister. She stays about five hours away but the bus took an extra two hours. I sat next to this man for like three hours. He was black, 45 I heard him say, although he looked 50. He had long hair, in braids, gray and black. He spoke as if he was on drugs or drunk. I’m not sure, he was hard to understand at times. I found him funny. I must admit, I laugh a lot. 

I’m texting my girlfriend and he pulls out his phone and says, “mine be jumping look.” He was referring to facebook. I smile at him. Later in the conversation he asks me if I have Instagram. I made a face and said, “Kinda, I only have  one because my girl asked me to. I don’t have any pictures on there.” 

He responds, “Oh, ain’t nothing wrong with that.” Now I made a face at him and say, “Nothing wrong with what?”
He says, “You said your girl asked you.” I disengaged from this conversation. My issue being when the hell did I say there was something wrong with me having a girl. Clearly he was surprised since most of the World plays straight, but why act like it’s a problem?

Then he says something like, “Niggas be fucking up.” I am just blown away by how men take credit for women being with other women. 

Clearly if my husband was a good husband I wouldn’t be divorcing him but honestly I knew long ago that if we ever didn’t work out, I would be with a woman. I’ve always wanted to, I was just scared.

The only thing my husband is guilty of is making me not want to be with him. As far as me being with women, this is something I’ve always wanted since the beginning of time. 

I will see my oldest friend this weekend and I will see how her nosey ass reacts to the news.

Sometimes thinking it does make it true

I’m laying here thinking, “damn, can I catch a break.” How is it that you love me but instead of asking me, you assume. Its like I do my best to stay out the way. Its  so hard for me to ask for stuff at this moment when I have lost everything but the clothes on my back and my son. I’ve been making my own way since 19, so yeah, I have a hard time asking for stuff.

So, what happened? Sleeping on my brothers couch, I need a ride. So I ask my brother. The answer is no because apparently his wife feels I haven’t said two words to her all day. Those were my brothers words.

Meanwhile, I just be trying to stay out of the way. But apparently I should’ve asked her. Ok. Fair enough. I just feel like..  heartbroken. No one here ever talks to me. I miss my baby because I couldn’t bring him cuz there isn’t any room.

I’ve never felt comfortable asking for stuff that’s why I started working when I was young. Right now she’s holding a grudge against me for asking my brother for something instead of her. She’s mad that we didn’t hold a conversation when I saw her for less than ten minutes today?

I mean… its Ok. Its really not but I have my faith, something my brother lacks and it’ll be taken care of… just like Mordecai told Esther.

I just wish that both of them would avoid assumptions about me. I was never once disrespectful to her. I feel like I’m in the way all the time. I have no money for anything and I don’t know when I’ll get to go home.

Everything is just too much. He doesnt know what time I found out I needed the ride. And even if I did know all day, which I didn’t, what the fuck is wrong with me asking my brother instead of his wife.

So why does his wife think I don’t like her? Because I really don’t care for her past. Ok I judged her a little but I put it past me. That doesn’t mean I’m comfortable.

Life has really chewed me up and spit me out. Stomped on me and is asking me if I want more. I really don’t. Tired of people assuming they know me or my intentions. If you did know me, you would know that my intentions are never bad.

I’m hurt. Honestly, my feelings are so pointless right now. I hate them. I feel so lonely here. Its like no one wants to be around me.

I could go down a list of all the terrible things that happened to me in this past year. Im trying to put it all behind me… I’ll never be used to being disappointed over and over again.

Just goes to show that when u have a certain attitude about something or someone and you believe it with all your heart, you will behave in such a way that makes it true.

If you think a certain way you will make these things happen. I come over here with my mind open to liking her because I really don’t know her but I didn’t want things to be tense here. I still won’t let them be. I do need them for now but it will be the last thing my brother ever does for me.

As far as his wife goes it’s no longer her past that I don’t like, it’s her conniving ass ways for lying to my brother because we did talk and have a short conversation about my niece. 

I’m not even sure what to do with myself here, wish I could disappear.