Sometimes thinking it does make it true

I’m laying here thinking, “damn, can I catch a break.” How is it that you love me but instead of asking me, you assume. Its like I do my best to stay out the way. Its  so hard for me to ask for stuff at this moment when I have lost everything but the clothes on my back and my son. I’ve been making my own way since 19, so yeah, I have a hard time asking for stuff.

So, what happened? Sleeping on my brothers couch, I need a ride. So I ask my brother. The answer is no because apparently his wife feels I haven’t said two words to her all day. Those were my brothers words.

Meanwhile, I just be trying to stay out of the way. But apparently I should’ve asked her. Ok. Fair enough. I just feel like..  heartbroken. No one here ever talks to me. I miss my baby because I couldn’t bring him cuz there isn’t any room.

I’ve never felt comfortable asking for stuff that’s why I started working when I was young. Right now she’s holding a grudge against me for asking my brother for something instead of her. She’s mad that we didn’t hold a conversation when I saw her for less than ten minutes today?

I mean… its Ok. Its really not but I have my faith, something my brother lacks and it’ll be taken care of… just like Mordecai told Esther.

I just wish that both of them would avoid assumptions about me. I was never once disrespectful to her. I feel like I’m in the way all the time. I have no money for anything and I don’t know when I’ll get to go home.

Everything is just too much. He doesnt know what time I found out I needed the ride. And even if I did know all day, which I didn’t, what the fuck is wrong with me asking my brother instead of his wife.

So why does his wife think I don’t like her? Because I really don’t care for her past. Ok I judged her a little but I put it past me. That doesn’t mean I’m comfortable.

Life has really chewed me up and spit me out. Stomped on me and is asking me if I want more. I really don’t. Tired of people assuming they know me or my intentions. If you did know me, you would know that my intentions are never bad.

I’m hurt. Honestly, my feelings are so pointless right now. I hate them. I feel so lonely here. Its like no one wants to be around me.

I could go down a list of all the terrible things that happened to me in this past year. Im trying to put it all behind me… I’ll never be used to being disappointed over and over again.

Just goes to show that when u have a certain attitude about something or someone and you believe it with all your heart, you will behave in such a way that makes it true.

If you think a certain way you will make these things happen. I come over here with my mind open to liking her because I really don’t know her but I didn’t want things to be tense here. I still won’t let them be. I do need them for now but it will be the last thing my brother ever does for me.

As far as his wife goes it’s no longer her past that I don’t like, it’s her conniving ass ways for lying to my brother because we did talk and have a short conversation about my niece. 

I’m not even sure what to do with myself here, wish I could disappear. 


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