My Indiscretions

Sharice and I have been getting along well… Too well actually. We were on the phone the other night and boy do I love talking to her. 

First of all, I crossed the line or one of us did. I don’t know but we definitely said some things that neither of our girlfriends would approve of.

We talked though and we had a real conversation of this nonexistent “us.” This game we play with each other, over and over again.

I told her that I feel guilty talking to her and that my girlfriend doesn’t know about her. She says that her girlfriend does not like me. She told me that she has changed my name in her phone so many times. 

What did I tell you about this girl? I need rehab. She makes me feel like my insides are fluffy. Like my body gets high when I deal with her. There was a time when I wanted to be with her, but I don’t want to now. I do want her though. I just don’t understand the capacity that I desire her. 

She complains about her girlfriend often. She talks about her like she doesn’t like her. I told her to stop doing that. I mean, I love my girl and for the most part we get along and I like her a lot. 

Anyway, I don’t know how we got on the topic of us, but I said, “I couldn’t have you.” 
She responded, “You’re married.” and I was legitimately surprised. I didn’t even know that we “broke up” because I was married, I thought it was because she didn’t like how I treated her. I suppose it could’ve been a little of both.

When her and I were in our exclusive stage, I had told her that I was gay. I didn’t tell her that I was married let alone living with my husband. Him and I were separated but he was still (and is still) trying to get back with me. 

She was a stripper at the time (don’t judge me lol) and one night she texted me when she got off and it was like 2 in the morning. My husband and I still slept in the same bed for a few hours a night, our schedules didn’t allow more than that. 

So he heard my phone go off and asked me why it was ringing in the middle of the night. I told him it was an email (My usual excuse). The next day I’m at work and I get a message on my phone that my “My Verizon” password had been changed. I went online to sign in and saw that it hadn’t so I disregarded it. 

Next thing I know she is text me “WTF Shae” her exact words. I found out that he called her phone from my number (caller ID faker) and cursed her out. Called her all kinds of dykes, talked about her wanting to be a man and all this other bullshit. 

I felt so bad. I thought she would never speak to me again but she didn’t. She stayed around and she loved me anyway. 

I was head over heels for this girl since day one. Day one! I mean we met and I or we have been on this roller coaster ride ever since. 

So I guess in a lot of ways, it was both of us in the beginning even though I don’t approve how she got a girlfriend on me. Especially since I was asking her if she was talking to someone else. 

I suppose I got over it. She is still a big part of my life and she is my first example of a lesbian woman who actually cared for me. 

Honestly, I know that her and I will end up doing something that will hurt both of our girlfriends. We don’t even have a future. Or maybe we do and I don’t know what it is. I know and she knows that we should NOT be talking at all based on our past and how we feel about each other. I don’t even think she’s worth me hurting my girlfriend. I know my actions don’t show it.

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You are NOT the father!

 

You know what I’m talking about. Maury, he is so infamous for that. It makes me laugh but I feel like my like my life could be summed up on The Maury show too. I believe that there are a lot of people from combined families. What does that mean for the father or mother that’s not there 24/7.

Aside from my many many problems in life, I have this dysfunctional family. Not only the one I created for my son, but the one I grew up in.

I like to clarify that just because I grew up not knowing my real father, doesn’t mean I grew up fatherless. There is a difference. I would love to talk about the man I call “Daddy,” the man that raised me and taught me about men. I should fire his ass actually. Anyway, I love that man with so much and respect him for what he did for me because my biological father was not in my life.

Ok, I may later regret this blog. Hurt feelings maybe but for some reason I feel like the World should feel my pain. I realized a long time ago that pain and circumstances are not unique to you or me. These things happen to everybody. 

At this moment, I understand absolutely every single saying I’ve ever heard about life…

I met my real dad when I was about 23. I have never liked him and honestly I still don’t. I thought this would be a good opportunity to get to know him. I’ve probably had five conversations maybe before now. 

So, I have to stay with him for a while. I wanted him to help me because he wanted to. Not because he felt sorry for me or because he wants to re-raise me. Look, I told my mom I wouldn’t curse him out. I fully intended on keeping that promise but it’s not looking good.

My second night there we have dinner and he tells me I can’t stay with him for the next three months, which is until I leave for school. 

That’s fine if he feels that way however, I told him what I needed before I made the move. Also he cut me off while I was talking which reminded me of my husband.

The man doesn’t know anything about me, then makes snide remarks about the decisions in my life. He’s so judgmental… Reminds me of my husband.

He’s right about everything and there is no one that can teach him anything. Well maybe if they have more money, then he’ll listen. He worships money…. Again reminding me of my husband.

Listen…. I know you can see the pattern.

He’s such a liar. Now my husband does lie although, I don’t think he ever lied to me. But my father lies about everything. EVERYTHING!!!

To make matters worse he’s a damn preacher. Don’t know if it disturbs you but it highly disturbs me. This man expressed to me that I need to go to church if I stay in his house. Well, it’ll be a cold day in hell before I ever listen to his ass preach at that church.

He’s a pig. Watching him eat is almost like watch a garbage disposal chop food, accompanied with the sound of actual pigs inhaling slop down their throat like it’s air. I don’t have anything against fat people. I’m sure I’m considered fat in some circles. The issue is that him and gluttony go hand in hand.

He is the epitome of all seven of the deadly sins. He told me one day that he likes talk radio but doesn’t listen to other preachers. He works so much, I have no idea when he has time to even study his Bible. Surely a pastor reads the Bible daily. 

I just don’t like him and his attitude. This will truly be the last thing he ever does for me. I’m going to contact him more often after I leave though. Just because I think he’s ignorant and I don’t think I should penalize him with not knowing me based on that. 

 

How Must we Measure a Man (or Woman)

When it comes to who we are and who we define ourselves as, it’s important that we avoid judgement just as we avoid judging others. We sometimes tend to be too hard on ourselves. 

We look at rich people on TV and even when they’re drug addicts we consider them successful. On the other hand, the man who’s making forty thousand a year with a loving family at home is not. 

It’s ok that you didn’t finish school. Don’t worry about how you missed that opportunity to make a lot of money or see someone one last time before they left this Earth. Somethings are just meant to be. At no time are we told that this life would be easy. It’s not. 

No matter what you do in this World, you will come to a struggle. It’s not only money and things we buy with money that we struggle with. We struggle with right and wrong, abuse, mistreatment, ignorance, and many other things. Why should I live up to anyone else’s standards when our Worlds are nothing alike? 

I just advise that when we measure our successes, we don’t compare them to others. We compare them to ourselves; What we went through and what we still achieved even though times got hard; Those moments when we felt most alone in this World but we kept the faith and pushed through because we knew that things would get better. 

Making the wrong decisions in life doesn’t make you a bad person. Your past makes you who you are today. If you don’t like the person you are then make some changes. As long as you’re making an effort to make those changes, you are successful. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is, people will look at you and judge you based on what you have or have not accomplished and that’s fine. At the end of the day just make sure you know what you, your faith, and your determination have brought you through. As long as you recognize that and strive to do better you are successful.