Sharice and I have been getting along well… Too well actually. We were on the phone the other night and boy do I love talking to her.
First of all, I crossed the line or one of us did. I don’t know but we definitely said some things that neither of our girlfriends would approve of.
We talked though and we had a real conversation of this nonexistent “us.” This game we play with each other, over and over again.
I told her that I feel guilty talking to her and that my girlfriend doesn’t know about her. She says that her girlfriend does not like me. She told me that she has changed my name in her phone so many times.
What did I tell you about this girl? I need rehab. She makes me feel like my insides are fluffy. Like my body gets high when I deal with her. There was a time when I wanted to be with her, but I don’t want to now. I do want her though. I just don’t understand the capacity that I desire her.
She complains about her girlfriend often. She talks about her like she doesn’t like her. I told her to stop doing that. I mean, I love my girl and for the most part we get along and I like her a lot.
Anyway, I don’t know how we got on the topic of us, but I said, “I couldn’t have you.”
She responded, “You’re married.” and I was legitimately surprised. I didn’t even know that we “broke up” because I was married, I thought it was because she didn’t like how I treated her. I suppose it could’ve been a little of both.
When her and I were in our exclusive stage, I had told her that I was gay. I didn’t tell her that I was married let alone living with my husband. Him and I were separated but he was still (and is still) trying to get back with me.
She was a stripper at the time (don’t judge me lol) and one night she texted me when she got off and it was like 2 in the morning. My husband and I still slept in the same bed for a few hours a night, our schedules didn’t allow more than that.
So he heard my phone go off and asked me why it was ringing in the middle of the night. I told him it was an email (My usual excuse). The next day I’m at work and I get a message on my phone that my “My Verizon” password had been changed. I went online to sign in and saw that it hadn’t so I disregarded it.
Next thing I know she is text me “WTF Shae” her exact words. I found out that he called her phone from my number (caller ID faker) and cursed her out. Called her all kinds of dykes, talked about her wanting to be a man and all this other bullshit.
I felt so bad. I thought she would never speak to me again but she didn’t. She stayed around and she loved me anyway.
I was head over heels for this girl since day one. Day one! I mean we met and I or we have been on this roller coaster ride ever since.
So I guess in a lot of ways, it was both of us in the beginning even though I don’t approve how she got a girlfriend on me. Especially since I was asking her if she was talking to someone else.
I suppose I got over it. She is still a big part of my life and she is my first example of a lesbian woman who actually cared for me.
Honestly, I know that her and I will end up doing something that will hurt both of our girlfriends. We don’t even have a future. Or maybe we do and I don’t know what it is. I know and she knows that we should NOT be talking at all based on our past and how we feel about each other. I don’t even think she’s worth me hurting my girlfriend. I know my actions don’t show it.