Caught Up

It’s been a while and super intense. I’ve decided that the whole relationship thing is not for me… at all. The friend I had on the “side” broke up with her girlfriend. Then a couple days later she asked me if I still had a girl. I was like, “why is she asking me this?”

What made me break up with my girl? Before I tell this story.. don’t judge me. I mean hell I really don’t care but I feel like what I’m doing is slightly wrong. 

I’m staying with my sister until I start school in August. I had to get my son because his father was acting like an ass giving me issues picking him up. I told him that I refuse to ever stress over him again so if he wants his son back, we have to go to court. End of discussion on that. I never wanted to do that but if you saw some of the things he said to me when I wanted to get my son you would understand. Bottom line he’s my son and I refuse to make any more sacrifices with his time. I will have to tell that story at a different time. 

I have my baby full time. I’m not working right now so I do A LOT around this house. It’s like a full time job living here. I’m not exaggerating at all. I have no problem with that but my girlfriend stays giving me issues. 

Not only does she keep begging me for time she has been going through shit and has these negative ass goggles on for her life. I could make a whole list of shit that’s happened to me that’s worse than what she has been and is going through. Seriously, I give her advice on her life and she snaps on me. 

For example:

She started a new job. I told her that they were gonna wait three weeks to pay her regardless. Every job does it. Instead of listening to me she listened to them and they gave her an excuse when pay day came so she has to wait. So she was upset. “I don’t have a way to work,” “I don’t have food to eat” blah blah blah. 

She has another family that actually includes her as her family, so I told her to go over there and eat. She tells me that she hasn’t been over there in weeks and she’s not gonna go over there just to eat, she’d rather starve. So I told her to starve then. I wanted to curse her ass out because she was throwing herself the biggest pity party of all time. Then when I tell her it’s gonna be ok, she tells me it’s easy for me to say because I’m not going through it. Because I’ve apparently never been hungry or in need of gas for work. That pissed me off. 

Now, let’s get to what made my final decision. I slept with my sister in law. I definitely shouldn’t have. It was a very bad idea. I broke up with my girl the next day. I won’t lie I had been trying to get it for like a week. She kept telling me no but I could tell she wanted to so I kept pursuing her. I wanted her so bad… still do. I asked myself “Do you wanna sleep with her” yes “Should you sleep with her” no “Are you going to sleep with her?” The last question puzzled me because I know I shouldn’t. But she is so freaking sexy. 

The night in question she had given me her number earlier that day. So I felt like I was getting close. I slid into her bed that night. And the way she kissed me made me weak. I mean it felt so good my body submitted to her so quick. That started it for me. Even thinking about it now makes my body so hot. It was intense, touching her, kissing her, mm. 

As soon as it was over and I was laying in her arms I said, “This was most definitely a bad idea.” The truth is I did want it to be just about sex but it’s not. Women geez… This shit with her is intense. Kinda how Sharice and I were in the beginning. 

She’s over here pressuring me to tell my parents that I’m gay. I already have a plan to tell them… at the end of the summer before I leave the state. She’s stuck on this shit. I’m like they’re my parents, I’ll tell them.  

I was chilling with my mom last night and she text me, “everyone else seems so unimportant since I met u.” Being honest with myself, I know I’m not ready for a relationship at all. I just want to have sex to be honest. I do feel where she’s coming from tho because I really haven’t cared about anyone else either since I met her. I was focused on getting her in bed meanwhile she’s trying to get into my heart. I wish this wasn’t so complicated. 

It’s way too easy to fall in love with women. Although I know I’m not in love it’s hard for me to dismiss the emotions she takes from me. Smh. I’m terrible lol.