Category Archives: lesbians, love

The Art of Coming Out part II

I’m spending a week with my girlfriend and I basically get to be openly “out” for lack of a better word. So, I do get way more stares. That honestly doesn’t bother me at all. But we were on the bus riding back from Walmart (I know, I prefer not to shop there), and this older man and woman were on there and it had been the second time I’d seen them. She had an accent I’m not sure if he did since he didn’t say anything. They were both black and she sounded like she was from an island like Jamaica or something.

He was passing us, walking down the aisle. I was holding my girlfriend’s hand. I pretty much watched him the whole time. I’m not sure why, he just made me curious I guess. He looked at our hands. Then looked at me. I smiled at him and he frowned at me.

I’m not used to getting that type of response from people. I’m going to be honest, the thought of a random person frowning at me because who I choose to be with had never crossed my mind. I would call that more than anything something that opened my eyes. It is hard enough being black without adding the LGBT title.

I wasn’t mad or hurt, I actually find it kind of amusing minus the fact that I fear being targeted for a hate crime. It’s kind of weird to feel as if I’m in more danger for being “out” of the closet than in. Am I the only one who has these fears? People in life are so ridiculous.

There was an incident at the liquor store. We were arguing in a very playful manner and the cashier, who seemed to be the owner or manager, I’m not sure, seemed delighted to have us. He was very amused by our banter.

I suppose I can take the good with the bad. In this case I really don’t have a choice, I just want to be who I am. I really am doing my best to avoid allowing what other people think to influence my life.

I feel like people want you to make decisions that would fit their life more than your own. That’s not to say that people can’t give good advice, just that you have to ask the person with the correct perspective. You wouldn’t ask someone who’s never had a job advice on a resume and if you do, I would question how serious you are about this job that you want.

People can never really know how it feels to be you and go through what you’ve experienced. Experiences affect the way we think, our emotions, and even our decisions. Sometimes people and their negativity can sway our decisions or efforts that we make.

I don’t really want to hear people’s advice or “I told you so” if/when things go wrong. I’m not living my life to be right. I’m living my life to be me. I assume that finding my way means that some people will be unhappy about it. I guess I will notice whether those people are relevant or not.

Hiding in the Closet

Growing up, nothing made my heart ache more than seeing two women living and being together in love. I’ve never even fantasized about having that American Dream life that I was so close to achieving. As a matter of fact, I did what I did in life based on how others would perceive me.
In my reality; I’m 28, separated, about to start school again and move far away from everything I know.
I have a girlfriend. It’s a simple fact that she deserves a good woman, which I consider myself to be. My problem is that I will eventually have to tell my parents. I mean why should I care? I’m almost 30. This is why I care:
  • My sister goes back and forth with men and women. I don’t want to be viewed as confused. I also don’t want them to be disappointed that they have yet another daughter interested in women.
  • I feel like I became the perfect child to them. Educated, married with one kid and even an entrepreneur. I will certainly be knocked off of my pedestal. This tops my divorce, trust me.
  • I don’t want to be perceived by them as indecisive. I definitely don’t want them to think I’m going crazy because of my brother’s murder.
Again, all these things pale in comparison to my happiness. I keep asking myself, can I spend my life with a woman? I don’t have an answer. I ask myself, can I spend my life with a man? Both answers escape me. So I ask myself can I spend my life with Sweets (my girlfriend)? and I still don’t know the answer.
She’s so sweet and nice and she cares so much about me. She’s perfect to me but I’m scared. Being with a woman is something that I have always wanted but when it comes down to announcing it to the World, I am at a loss of words.
I sometimes blame my indecisiveness and unwillingness to make a decision on the fact that I am fresh out of a relationship that lasted over ten years.
So, back to my original question, can I spend my life with a woman?
I want to say, it has surely been a fantasy although I have tried so many times to remove the image from my head. I convinced myself that being with a woman is a choice and I may as well be with a man because I can. I can actually choose whether I want to be with a man or a woman so why not choose a man? The problem with this is that I have always longed to be with a woman. I don’t just want the sex, although it is fantastic, I want the love too.
Did I forget to say that she’s all in? All in!! She constantly talks about our future together and being a family and even though I keep telling her to slow down and give me time, I can’t help but to think about our future too. I can’t help but recognize that I am falling in love with her and I want to.
I don’t have an answer to my questions but I do have a girlfriend. I am very sure that she would be hurt if she knew that I was keeping her a secret. I don’t want to hurt her. I have to tell my family… but when?

To Love a Woman

After many years of wanting, I finally decided to give women a chance. Please don’t make me explain that this has absolutely nothing to do with my taste in men. That is another subject entirely.

Since I was with the same man for over a decade, I really don’t remember the whole dating game thing.

What I learned about women, the gay ones anyway, is that they can be more heartless and ruthless than any man. Yes, I’ve had my heartbroken. No, I’m not bitter. I’m just aware.

Women connect with each other on a very different level than men. When I meet one that I really like the connection is very emotional and extremely sexual. I lose points for this in the gay World I know. The truth is I am sexually attracted to both genders.

So my issue with women is one that I dont have with men. So, meet a woman, she’s beautiful and she loves the attention and the compliments she gets from me but in the back of her mind she is questioning everything I say. Trying to protect herself from getting “played.” In doing so I’m the one who ends up on the losing end.

With men, they may be slow to give you their heart but if they like you, they won’t dismiss you. Women, will give you their heart and not show you, just because they want the upper hand.

I personally don’t get it. Being that I am an extremely emotional person I have a problem keeping my feelings a secret. This does not equate to me falling in love easily. However, this does leave people feeling vulnerable when it comes to me. 

Maybe its that I have had more experience with men. I read them better, I assume they just want sex until they prove me wrong. Unfortunately my parents didn’t teach me how to deal with women.

I also find that my preference in the more masculine women may also be an issue. Some have complexes. Yes I prefer women that wear baggier clothes and don’t care about make up or their nails.

I also prefer women who know that they’re women and will let me treat them as such.

I used to be friends with this female in “transition” and I considered seriously what it would be like to date someone like that. Being with a woman is much, much more than just sex. I mean my family would never have to know that he used to be she.

These are issues that I have run into with these females. I call them complexes. I’m not judging. This is just what I found.

1. Overly dominant to the point of annoyance. I’m fine with submitting especially in the bedroom but sometimes its taken too far. If you’re threatened by me disagreeing with you, we have nothing to talk about. 

2. Major family issues. “My mom doesn’t like me” “she doesn’t like that I’m gay”
These women have mothers and/or fathers who don’t support them in their sexual preference. Ok mom you may not like the fact that your daughter enjoys anal sex but its no reason to treat them bad. Alienation from their family is something that I see very often to the point where I would prefer a female that gets along with her parents. 

2. Lack of ambition. I understand that you didn’t like school and your job sucks, so make a plan to change it. How many times do I have to suggest doing something with your life?

3. Lack of confidence. We are all insecure about something but most people understand that it is you as a whole that makes you beautiful, not specific features. I don’t want to argue with a female about how beautiful she is. 

4. Too much confidence. This chick thinks she can have whomever she wants and her standards are high… in physical appearance only. 

5. Crazy health issues. I’m not even going to elaborate on that one. I just don’t wanna be with someone who’s sick all the time.

6. They hate their vagina. Being a woman is amazing and it’s hard for me to understand a woman that doesn’t enjoy multiple orgasms. The clitoris is a wonderful place.

I’m still new to this so I’m not claiming to know everything. I just know what I’ve been through. It’s easy to fall in love with a woman, they appeal to every part of my being but loving them is not always easy.