The Art of Coming Out

My best friend is getting married and she asked me if I was going to bring a date to the wedding. I told her that I would since my girlfriend pretty much volunteered to be my date. I mean seriously… who goes to a wedding alone? 

This sent me into panic mode. My best friend definitely knows I’m into females even though I think it makes her uncomfortable. It may just make me uncomfortable. I’m not sure.

I contemplated going with my girlfriend as a “friend” but I felt everyone would know anyway because she’s going to wear a tux that I’m sure she will look very good in and I’m gonna have a hard time not admiring her. She even volunteered to wear a dress. I thought that was very cute. 

As much as I like to look at feminine women, it’s something about a woman in men’s clothes that really gets me going, so no I don’t want her to show up in a dress.

I made a rational to decision to skip coming out altogether. The important people in my life know I’m into women but not that I have a girlfriend. So why make it a big deal?

I am by no means trying to keep my relationship a secret but rather I am going to mention it casually as to avoid getting asked questions I won’t or don’t want to answer. 

I tried this:

I’m on this long ass bus ride to see my sister. She stays about five hours away but the bus took an extra two hours. I sat next to this man for like three hours. He was black, 45 I heard him say, although he looked 50. He had long hair, in braids, gray and black. He spoke as if he was on drugs or drunk. I’m not sure, he was hard to understand at times. I found him funny. I must admit, I laugh a lot. 

I’m texting my girlfriend and he pulls out his phone and says, “mine be jumping look.” He was referring to facebook. I smile at him. Later in the conversation he asks me if I have Instagram. I made a face and said, “Kinda, I only have  one because my girl asked me to. I don’t have any pictures on there.” 

He responds, “Oh, ain’t nothing wrong with that.” Now I made a face at him and say, “Nothing wrong with what?”
He says, “You said your girl asked you.” I disengaged from this conversation. My issue being when the hell did I say there was something wrong with me having a girl. Clearly he was surprised since most of the World plays straight, but why act like it’s a problem?

Then he says something like, “Niggas be fucking up.” I am just blown away by how men take credit for women being with other women. 

Clearly if my husband was a good husband I wouldn’t be divorcing him but honestly I knew long ago that if we ever didn’t work out, I would be with a woman. I’ve always wanted to, I was just scared.

The only thing my husband is guilty of is making me not want to be with him. As far as me being with women, this is something I’ve always wanted since the beginning of time. 

I will see my oldest friend this weekend and I will see how her nosey ass reacts to the news.

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Sometimes thinking it does make it true

I’m laying here thinking, “damn, can I catch a break.” How is it that you love me but instead of asking me, you assume. Its like I do my best to stay out the way. Its  so hard for me to ask for stuff at this moment when I have lost everything but the clothes on my back and my son. I’ve been making my own way since 19, so yeah, I have a hard time asking for stuff.

So, what happened? Sleeping on my brothers couch, I need a ride. So I ask my brother. The answer is no because apparently his wife feels I haven’t said two words to her all day. Those were my brothers words.

Meanwhile, I just be trying to stay out of the way. But apparently I should’ve asked her. Ok. Fair enough. I just feel like..  heartbroken. No one here ever talks to me. I miss my baby because I couldn’t bring him cuz there isn’t any room.

I’ve never felt comfortable asking for stuff that’s why I started working when I was young. Right now she’s holding a grudge against me for asking my brother for something instead of her. She’s mad that we didn’t hold a conversation when I saw her for less than ten minutes today?

I mean… its Ok. Its really not but I have my faith, something my brother lacks and it’ll be taken care of… just like Mordecai told Esther.

I just wish that both of them would avoid assumptions about me. I was never once disrespectful to her. I feel like I’m in the way all the time. I have no money for anything and I don’t know when I’ll get to go home.

Everything is just too much. He doesnt know what time I found out I needed the ride. And even if I did know all day, which I didn’t, what the fuck is wrong with me asking my brother instead of his wife.

So why does his wife think I don’t like her? Because I really don’t care for her past. Ok I judged her a little but I put it past me. That doesn’t mean I’m comfortable.

Life has really chewed me up and spit me out. Stomped on me and is asking me if I want more. I really don’t. Tired of people assuming they know me or my intentions. If you did know me, you would know that my intentions are never bad.

I’m hurt. Honestly, my feelings are so pointless right now. I hate them. I feel so lonely here. Its like no one wants to be around me.

I could go down a list of all the terrible things that happened to me in this past year. Im trying to put it all behind me… I’ll never be used to being disappointed over and over again.

Just goes to show that when u have a certain attitude about something or someone and you believe it with all your heart, you will behave in such a way that makes it true.

If you think a certain way you will make these things happen. I come over here with my mind open to liking her because I really don’t know her but I didn’t want things to be tense here. I still won’t let them be. I do need them for now but it will be the last thing my brother ever does for me.

As far as his wife goes it’s no longer her past that I don’t like, it’s her conniving ass ways for lying to my brother because we did talk and have a short conversation about my niece. 

I’m not even sure what to do with myself here, wish I could disappear. 

Absolute Truths, Who are You?

I was watching Bones, what? I love that show. Beautiful cast plus it’s about murder and mystery. You can’t go wrong with that.
Anyway Boothe said, “Well people can be more than one thing.” It doesn’t really matter the context he used it in because it can be used any context. It’s so many times in life that we define people by their actions as opposed to who they are. I think as good people we should sometimes look past obvious flaws to get to the root of people and who they are. That’s not to say that you’re supposed to start believing a friend that is a habitual liar or let your thieving cousin spend the night at your house alone.
What I’m saying is that you should love people and accept them regardless of their flaws. You don’t have to hate your cousin or your friend for what they do. It’s not the only thing they are. Everyone has a story and you never know what people go through. I am very blessed in my life but I’ve faced some real tragedies in this past year. I know that the things that have happened to me are not unique. They happen to people all the time. They’re happening right now and trust me, my heart goes out to all those suffering.
So the next time you want to judge the thief or the liar or whatever label you want to smack on them, don’t. None of us are one thing.

Reflection

I applied my eye liner as his voice popped into my head, “You know it’s wrong. This guy is bad news Alicia.”

I snatched the plane tickets from his hand, “You never could accept him, I’m not gonna try to make you.”

“Please try to see my side in this!?”

I remember getting in his face and looking him straight in his eyes. I gave him the meanest look I could. “I don’t need your advice. I don’t need you!” I waved the tickets in his face.

My mind was brought back to the present as I adjusted my weave slightly. “Beautiful,” I thought to myself.  I finished my makeup with lipstick.

I looked at myself in the mirror. I see pure perfection; premium ass shots that ran 10 grand. I have the best assets here if you know what I mean. I had my tits done for seven grand. My body is fantastic. I admired the gray colored contacts I flossed. Men flocked to me and even women want to get a piece of this.

My mind flashed back to that night and the pain I felt when he spoke to me, “I’m leaving Alicia. I wish it were different.”

My heart thumped in my chest. I couldn’t understand why this was such a big deal to him but I kind of knew this day would come. I sucked it up and I let him walk out of my life. That was years ago and I had come so far since that day. My money, my body, and my mind have all been changed.

Right now Lil’ Tony was the newest rapper in the industry. I want to get close to him during this video shoot. My outfit is all white, basically see through. Hell, it’s closer to a bathing suit.

I walked onto the set and stood next to the rest of the models. I am definitely the prettiest. Light skin, gray eyes, the body of a goddess and weave down to my ass. I don’t buy the cheap stuff either. My weave is always top of the line Indian hair. I see at least three of these girls’ weave glue and the number of lace fronts made my head hurt.

The desperation in most of these girls made my stomach turn. They actually think being a video model will pay their bills. I’m smarter than them, much smarter. I do these videos to get close to rich rappers. My record is solid. Platinum J, Billionaire Boss, and a few others, I don’t like to drop names but I do.

Dating rappers has landed me penthouses, clothes, cars, money, and I don’t even have to have sex with them much because they often find it elsewhere. Actually the sex is normally disappointing. I don’t even know why expect much anyway.

I smiled to myself. They like their personal strippers. Later that night I had Lil’ Tony eating out the palm of my hand. The way I slid down his pole was like a professional. I learned that even though these men get offered sex often, it’s not like my sex game. My flexibility is out of this World and I can’t even begin to explain my tongue game. Typically, they always come back for more.

You see, they think the little bit of money is just change and it is to them. I have my modeling gigs. I do the whole social networking thing. I have over two million followers on Twitter. It’s because how fine I am. My Instagram is crazy too. Of course, my pictures are always fantastic. I even have a small clothing line and I was thinking about getting into sex toys. I’m sure they sell well.

The next morning I woke up with a banging headache. I opened my eyes but everything was blurry. I smelled water, not like a pool but salty like the ocean. I could hear waves splashing against what I assumed was a boat. I tried to roll over but my hands were handcuffed. I tried yanking my arms but felt weak, I couldn’t move. I heard footsteps. “Hello!” I screamed as loud as I could. The strength it took to yell was making me weaker. My heart raced as fear set in. Where am I? Tears start running down my face as yelled, “help! Somebody! Please!” I felt the panic deep inside me and could hear my heart beating faster in my ear. My palms were sweating and I could feel the moisture dripping down my face. A tear escaped my eye as I figured today would be my last day in this lovely Earth.

When I was a child I would love to hang out in the forest preserve with my friends. Sticks and flowers seemed to be all we needed to stay entertained. I inhaled deeply imagining the smell from those times. My nose was always pleasantly assaulted with the scent of grasses, oak, and an endless amount of flowers. I pictured the deer we’d witness eating or running through there at one time or another.

Then we got into boys, weed, and liquor. It’s been a wrap since then. My best friend growing up is dead. Her abusive boyfriend killed her by accident. We kept telling her to leave him. Being called a bitch is one thing, being punched in the face is another. My other friend LaLa is currently in jail for not wanting to snitch on her drug dealing boyfriend. Both of their experiences taught me not to mess with drug dealers and to leave at the first sign of violence. I will leave if a man even raises his voice to me. A lot has changed since those days in the trees.

I thought about my father again and how our fight seems so petty now. What I wouldn’t give for my daddy to come get me. When he walked out the door, he left forever. He had always tried but spending my early years with a crack addict made me hate him. My mom was the worst while he ran around doing God knows what. Still… I love him and would like to have him back. I thought about all the rappers who had given me money and the people that I hurt in my voyage to the top. I realized that if I do die today, there would be no one to miss me. Hell I don’t even know if anyone likes me. everything that has been so valuable to me, seems very unimportant at this moment.

If I make it out of here alive, I’m changing my life. I have enough money to start my own business and I could stop being bothered with these rappers. My mom, crack addict or not was someone that I love dearly. I figured one day I could help get her off of that stuff. Just once do something good for someone I love. It’s just that I got so distracted by the glitz and the glamour. I valued the way women envied me and the way men pined after me. It distracted me from what was important in life.  Tears streamed down my face as I felt my life slipping away from me. Why am I here? What’s next?

“She’s awake,” I heard a man whisper.

“Hello,” I screamed again. I saw a blurry figure enter the room.

“What do you want?” I cried out weakly.

“Calm down,” the familiar voice urged, “everything is ok.”

“Who are you?” I asked panting somewhat.

He chuckled, “We go through this every time Alicia. That’s why I use handcuffs now.”

“How do you know my name?” I asked fearful of the answer.

“We’re friends,” He said moving closer to me.

“I don’t have friends.” I tried to move as far away from him as I could but my body felt paralyzed and the handcuffs were starting to dig into my skin.

“It’s ok,” he cooed as he stuck a needle into my arm. I felt the liquid travel into my veins and knock me out.

I woke up next to Lil’ Tony. He was still asleep so I crept off to the bathroom. Usually I get ready before the men wake up to avoid them seeing my imperfect face. I feel different. I’m a little woozy but that could be from the champagne last night. I looked down at my arm and saw a speckle of blood. Where did that come from?  It looks as though my bracelet left an imprint on my wrists, which I don’t believe has ever happened before. I felt that there was something I was supposed to remember about my dream maybe? I left Lil’ Tony my number and headed home. I just wish I could remember what I don’t remember.

Hiding in the Closet

Growing up, nothing made my heart ache more than seeing two women living and being together in love. I’ve never even fantasized about having that American Dream life that I was so close to achieving. As a matter of fact, I did what I did in life based on how others would perceive me.
In my reality; I’m 28, separated, about to start school again and move far away from everything I know.
I have a girlfriend. It’s a simple fact that she deserves a good woman, which I consider myself to be. My problem is that I will eventually have to tell my parents. I mean why should I care? I’m almost 30. This is why I care:
  • My sister goes back and forth with men and women. I don’t want to be viewed as confused. I also don’t want them to be disappointed that they have yet another daughter interested in women.
  • I feel like I became the perfect child to them. Educated, married with one kid and even an entrepreneur. I will certainly be knocked off of my pedestal. This tops my divorce, trust me.
  • I don’t want to be perceived by them as indecisive. I definitely don’t want them to think I’m going crazy because of my brother’s murder.
Again, all these things pale in comparison to my happiness. I keep asking myself, can I spend my life with a woman? I don’t have an answer. I ask myself, can I spend my life with a man? Both answers escape me. So I ask myself can I spend my life with Sweets (my girlfriend)? and I still don’t know the answer.
She’s so sweet and nice and she cares so much about me. She’s perfect to me but I’m scared. Being with a woman is something that I have always wanted but when it comes down to announcing it to the World, I am at a loss of words.
I sometimes blame my indecisiveness and unwillingness to make a decision on the fact that I am fresh out of a relationship that lasted over ten years.
So, back to my original question, can I spend my life with a woman?
I want to say, it has surely been a fantasy although I have tried so many times to remove the image from my head. I convinced myself that being with a woman is a choice and I may as well be with a man because I can. I can actually choose whether I want to be with a man or a woman so why not choose a man? The problem with this is that I have always longed to be with a woman. I don’t just want the sex, although it is fantastic, I want the love too.
Did I forget to say that she’s all in? All in!! She constantly talks about our future together and being a family and even though I keep telling her to slow down and give me time, I can’t help but to think about our future too. I can’t help but recognize that I am falling in love with her and I want to.
I don’t have an answer to my questions but I do have a girlfriend. I am very sure that she would be hurt if she knew that I was keeping her a secret. I don’t want to hurt her. I have to tell my family… but when?

To Love a Woman

After many years of wanting, I finally decided to give women a chance. Please don’t make me explain that this has absolutely nothing to do with my taste in men. That is another subject entirely.

Since I was with the same man for over a decade, I really don’t remember the whole dating game thing.

What I learned about women, the gay ones anyway, is that they can be more heartless and ruthless than any man. Yes, I’ve had my heartbroken. No, I’m not bitter. I’m just aware.

Women connect with each other on a very different level than men. When I meet one that I really like the connection is very emotional and extremely sexual. I lose points for this in the gay World I know. The truth is I am sexually attracted to both genders.

So my issue with women is one that I dont have with men. So, meet a woman, she’s beautiful and she loves the attention and the compliments she gets from me but in the back of her mind she is questioning everything I say. Trying to protect herself from getting “played.” In doing so I’m the one who ends up on the losing end.

With men, they may be slow to give you their heart but if they like you, they won’t dismiss you. Women, will give you their heart and not show you, just because they want the upper hand.

I personally don’t get it. Being that I am an extremely emotional person I have a problem keeping my feelings a secret. This does not equate to me falling in love easily. However, this does leave people feeling vulnerable when it comes to me. 

Maybe its that I have had more experience with men. I read them better, I assume they just want sex until they prove me wrong. Unfortunately my parents didn’t teach me how to deal with women.

I also find that my preference in the more masculine women may also be an issue. Some have complexes. Yes I prefer women that wear baggier clothes and don’t care about make up or their nails.

I also prefer women who know that they’re women and will let me treat them as such.

I used to be friends with this female in “transition” and I considered seriously what it would be like to date someone like that. Being with a woman is much, much more than just sex. I mean my family would never have to know that he used to be she.

These are issues that I have run into with these females. I call them complexes. I’m not judging. This is just what I found.

1. Overly dominant to the point of annoyance. I’m fine with submitting especially in the bedroom but sometimes its taken too far. If you’re threatened by me disagreeing with you, we have nothing to talk about. 

2. Major family issues. “My mom doesn’t like me” “she doesn’t like that I’m gay”
These women have mothers and/or fathers who don’t support them in their sexual preference. Ok mom you may not like the fact that your daughter enjoys anal sex but its no reason to treat them bad. Alienation from their family is something that I see very often to the point where I would prefer a female that gets along with her parents. 

2. Lack of ambition. I understand that you didn’t like school and your job sucks, so make a plan to change it. How many times do I have to suggest doing something with your life?

3. Lack of confidence. We are all insecure about something but most people understand that it is you as a whole that makes you beautiful, not specific features. I don’t want to argue with a female about how beautiful she is. 

4. Too much confidence. This chick thinks she can have whomever she wants and her standards are high… in physical appearance only. 

5. Crazy health issues. I’m not even going to elaborate on that one. I just don’t wanna be with someone who’s sick all the time.

6. They hate their vagina. Being a woman is amazing and it’s hard for me to understand a woman that doesn’t enjoy multiple orgasms. The clitoris is a wonderful place.

I’m still new to this so I’m not claiming to know everything. I just know what I’ve been through. It’s easy to fall in love with a woman, they appeal to every part of my being but loving them is not always easy.