Tag Archives: life

Diary of a Dying Man

I turned the corner, my heart pounding. I looked left watching as people walked the street normally. Not being witness to the horror that I’d encountered with my own eyes. I pulled my hood up slipping into the nearest clothing store I could find. Funny how my teenage daughter crossed my mind at this very moment. If I make it out of this alive, I am definitely getting in touch with her.

I purchased a new coat and a scarf that I ensured covered my face. Boston was no stranger to cold weather so it was very easy to hide myself. I reached into my pocket touching the pen that my boss had given me. She told me that if I were ever in trouble I would be able to use it. But it could only be used one time, so I needed to ensure its safety until then. I did not know what would come of the pen that would bring me some kind of instant salvation. It was a nice thought though.

I walked down the street blending in with the evening foot traffic. It would be hard for them to find me now. I caught the subway back to the safe house. As hard as I had worked, I’ve always known that one day it would come to this point.

I sat down at the table, pouring myself a glass of wine. It was almost guaranteed that I will die tonight yet the only thing I can think of is how I will finish this mission even through my death.

I collected my lap top from the hidden compartment in the table. I compressed all the files and sent them to three people. I called my daughter unable to resist hearing her voice one last time. She had never known me but I have always been here for her. It was always important that I avoided the people from the past. She should know that not a day goes by that I don’t think of her.

I don’t do this job because I love my country, or the law, or justice. I do this job because I’m good at it and I actually like it. It’s just a plus that I get to hurt assholes. I slid my laptop back into the table after wiping it clean.

I checked outside to see cars approaching. There was definitely a leak. I had lived the last fifteen years with an unwavering adrenaline rush. I could feel it now. I heart pounded. My hearing was magnified and I could hear foot steps approaching the door.

Suddenly five men entered into the safe house. I looked them in the eye and pointed the pen directly at them pressing down.

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Caught Up

It’s been a while and super intense. I’ve decided that the whole relationship thing is not for me… at all. The friend I had on the “side” broke up with her girlfriend. Then a couple days later she asked me if I still had a girl. I was like, “why is she asking me this?”

What made me break up with my girl? Before I tell this story.. don’t judge me. I mean hell I really don’t care but I feel like what I’m doing is slightly wrong. 

I’m staying with my sister until I start school in August. I had to get my son because his father was acting like an ass giving me issues picking him up. I told him that I refuse to ever stress over him again so if he wants his son back, we have to go to court. End of discussion on that. I never wanted to do that but if you saw some of the things he said to me when I wanted to get my son you would understand. Bottom line he’s my son and I refuse to make any more sacrifices with his time. I will have to tell that story at a different time. 

I have my baby full time. I’m not working right now so I do A LOT around this house. It’s like a full time job living here. I’m not exaggerating at all. I have no problem with that but my girlfriend stays giving me issues. 

Not only does she keep begging me for time she has been going through shit and has these negative ass goggles on for her life. I could make a whole list of shit that’s happened to me that’s worse than what she has been and is going through. Seriously, I give her advice on her life and she snaps on me. 

For example:

She started a new job. I told her that they were gonna wait three weeks to pay her regardless. Every job does it. Instead of listening to me she listened to them and they gave her an excuse when pay day came so she has to wait. So she was upset. “I don’t have a way to work,” “I don’t have food to eat” blah blah blah. 

She has another family that actually includes her as her family, so I told her to go over there and eat. She tells me that she hasn’t been over there in weeks and she’s not gonna go over there just to eat, she’d rather starve. So I told her to starve then. I wanted to curse her ass out because she was throwing herself the biggest pity party of all time. Then when I tell her it’s gonna be ok, she tells me it’s easy for me to say because I’m not going through it. Because I’ve apparently never been hungry or in need of gas for work. That pissed me off. 

Now, let’s get to what made my final decision. I slept with my sister in law. I definitely shouldn’t have. It was a very bad idea. I broke up with my girl the next day. I won’t lie I had been trying to get it for like a week. She kept telling me no but I could tell she wanted to so I kept pursuing her. I wanted her so bad… still do. I asked myself “Do you wanna sleep with her” yes “Should you sleep with her” no “Are you going to sleep with her?” The last question puzzled me because I know I shouldn’t. But she is so freaking sexy. 

The night in question she had given me her number earlier that day. So I felt like I was getting close. I slid into her bed that night. And the way she kissed me made me weak. I mean it felt so good my body submitted to her so quick. That started it for me. Even thinking about it now makes my body so hot. It was intense, touching her, kissing her, mm. 

As soon as it was over and I was laying in her arms I said, “This was most definitely a bad idea.” The truth is I did want it to be just about sex but it’s not. Women geez… This shit with her is intense. Kinda how Sharice and I were in the beginning. 

She’s over here pressuring me to tell my parents that I’m gay. I already have a plan to tell them… at the end of the summer before I leave the state. She’s stuck on this shit. I’m like they’re my parents, I’ll tell them.  

I was chilling with my mom last night and she text me, “everyone else seems so unimportant since I met u.” Being honest with myself, I know I’m not ready for a relationship at all. I just want to have sex to be honest. I do feel where she’s coming from tho because I really haven’t cared about anyone else either since I met her. I was focused on getting her in bed meanwhile she’s trying to get into my heart. I wish this wasn’t so complicated. 

It’s way too easy to fall in love with women. Although I know I’m not in love it’s hard for me to dismiss the emotions she takes from me. Smh. I’m terrible lol. 

How Must we Measure a Man (or Woman)

When it comes to who we are and who we define ourselves as, it’s important that we avoid judgement just as we avoid judging others. We sometimes tend to be too hard on ourselves. 

We look at rich people on TV and even when they’re drug addicts we consider them successful. On the other hand, the man who’s making forty thousand a year with a loving family at home is not. 

It’s ok that you didn’t finish school. Don’t worry about how you missed that opportunity to make a lot of money or see someone one last time before they left this Earth. Somethings are just meant to be. At no time are we told that this life would be easy. It’s not. 

No matter what you do in this World, you will come to a struggle. It’s not only money and things we buy with money that we struggle with. We struggle with right and wrong, abuse, mistreatment, ignorance, and many other things. Why should I live up to anyone else’s standards when our Worlds are nothing alike? 

I just advise that when we measure our successes, we don’t compare them to others. We compare them to ourselves; What we went through and what we still achieved even though times got hard; Those moments when we felt most alone in this World but we kept the faith and pushed through because we knew that things would get better. 

Making the wrong decisions in life doesn’t make you a bad person. Your past makes you who you are today. If you don’t like the person you are then make some changes. As long as you’re making an effort to make those changes, you are successful. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is, people will look at you and judge you based on what you have or have not accomplished and that’s fine. At the end of the day just make sure you know what you, your faith, and your determination have brought you through. As long as you recognize that and strive to do better you are successful.

The Art of Coming Out part II

I’m spending a week with my girlfriend and I basically get to be openly “out” for lack of a better word. So, I do get way more stares. That honestly doesn’t bother me at all. But we were on the bus riding back from Walmart (I know, I prefer not to shop there), and this older man and woman were on there and it had been the second time I’d seen them. She had an accent I’m not sure if he did since he didn’t say anything. They were both black and she sounded like she was from an island like Jamaica or something.

He was passing us, walking down the aisle. I was holding my girlfriend’s hand. I pretty much watched him the whole time. I’m not sure why, he just made me curious I guess. He looked at our hands. Then looked at me. I smiled at him and he frowned at me.

I’m not used to getting that type of response from people. I’m going to be honest, the thought of a random person frowning at me because who I choose to be with had never crossed my mind. I would call that more than anything something that opened my eyes. It is hard enough being black without adding the LGBT title.

I wasn’t mad or hurt, I actually find it kind of amusing minus the fact that I fear being targeted for a hate crime. It’s kind of weird to feel as if I’m in more danger for being “out” of the closet than in. Am I the only one who has these fears? People in life are so ridiculous.

There was an incident at the liquor store. We were arguing in a very playful manner and the cashier, who seemed to be the owner or manager, I’m not sure, seemed delighted to have us. He was very amused by our banter.

I suppose I can take the good with the bad. In this case I really don’t have a choice, I just want to be who I am. I really am doing my best to avoid allowing what other people think to influence my life.

I feel like people want you to make decisions that would fit their life more than your own. That’s not to say that people can’t give good advice, just that you have to ask the person with the correct perspective. You wouldn’t ask someone who’s never had a job advice on a resume and if you do, I would question how serious you are about this job that you want.

People can never really know how it feels to be you and go through what you’ve experienced. Experiences affect the way we think, our emotions, and even our decisions. Sometimes people and their negativity can sway our decisions or efforts that we make.

I don’t really want to hear people’s advice or “I told you so” if/when things go wrong. I’m not living my life to be right. I’m living my life to be me. I assume that finding my way means that some people will be unhappy about it. I guess I will notice whether those people are relevant or not.

Defining my Sexuality

I broke down my life to see if I am really gay or not. 

1. My first kiss was with a girl. The first time I had an orgasm with another individual it was a female.

2. I told my brothers when I was like nine that I liked girls. There were no girls that I actually liked. For some reason, I just felt like it. 

3. When I was 11 I fantasized about how nice it would be to have my own place and come home to a woman every night. 

4. At 14, I had my first crush on a girl. 

5. My sophomore year in high school there was this girl I wanted to talk to but I was scared. 

6. I told my friends at 22 that I was bisexual. 

7. I have always had a nagging jealous type of feeling when I see other lesbian couples. I have never felt this way about straight couples.

During the time with my husband whom I’ve been with since 17, I have talked to numerous women. Men too but not nearly as much as women. During my time as a kid I had been perceived as “boy crazy” but honestly most guys I didn’t care for, I talked to them just to do it. As I get older, I am less and less attracted to men.  

I really feel like I’m gay. I’m not completely sure because when I see dark skin men, the really dark ones, I still feel very attracted to them. Still the thought of putting another dick in my mouth makes me feel ugh. 

Even when I did it for my husband it made me feel disrespected, even though I liked pleasing him at some point. I can honestly say it’s been over a year since I have enjoyed sex with him.  

I’ve known for a very long time that if him and I ended, I would be with women. 

Honestly, being straight is very, very hard for me. The hardest part about being with a women is dealing with society. Which, for the most part is disturbed by it.  

Absolute Truths, Who are You?

I was watching Bones, what? I love that show. Beautiful cast plus it’s about murder and mystery. You can’t go wrong with that.
Anyway Boothe said, “Well people can be more than one thing.” It doesn’t really matter the context he used it in because it can be used any context. It’s so many times in life that we define people by their actions as opposed to who they are. I think as good people we should sometimes look past obvious flaws to get to the root of people and who they are. That’s not to say that you’re supposed to start believing a friend that is a habitual liar or let your thieving cousin spend the night at your house alone.
What I’m saying is that you should love people and accept them regardless of their flaws. You don’t have to hate your cousin or your friend for what they do. It’s not the only thing they are. Everyone has a story and you never know what people go through. I am very blessed in my life but I’ve faced some real tragedies in this past year. I know that the things that have happened to me are not unique. They happen to people all the time. They’re happening right now and trust me, my heart goes out to all those suffering.
So the next time you want to judge the thief or the liar or whatever label you want to smack on them, don’t. None of us are one thing.