Tag Archives: relationship

EP 10: No Honor Part II

Arianna opened her eyes slightly. Everything was blurry. She tried to focus and then squinted in pain from the sunlight that fell on her eyes. Where was she? She turned to see Stacey lying next to her.
Her heart raced in fear. She let out a scream “Stacey?! What the Fuck?!”
Stacey was startled awake by a confused and upset Arianna, “Good morning beautiful,” Stacey said smiling.
“Stacey, what happened last night?” Arianna asked concerned.
“What, you don’t remember?”
“You’re a stupid bitch,” Arianna said with tears in her eyes, “Where is Danielle?!”
“She was in a car accident, she’s been in the hospital since Tuesday.”
“Three days and you didn’t tell me? What is wrong with you?”
“Nothing now. We had a great time last night. I really needed that.”
“You needed what?”
“That dope ass head you gave me.”
“Ew, I would never subject my mouth to the likes of somebody like you.”
“Well you did.”
Arianna was disgusted. “I think I’m gonna throw up.” She ran to the bathroom as Stacey laughed.
Her phone beeped and she saw that Marissa called five times last night. She called her back. “Hi Arianna.” She answered.
“Is Carter ok?” Arianna asked praying he was fine.
“He’s fine. Are you ok? I tried calling you but I didn’t get an answer.”
“I’m alright. I fell asleep. I’m sorry. Can you take Carter to daycare for me?”
“No problem. I don’t have class until three.”
“Ok. I will pay you tonight. Thank you for your help?”
She hung up the phone relieved that Carter was fine, then left out the door. “Shit.” She didn’t have her car. She called a taxi to take her to the hospital.
She was worried about what happened with Stacey and she wanted a rape kit done before going to see Danielle. She needed to know what happened to her. The nurses did their best to make her comfortable but she was shaking and upset.
Danielle would have a fit if she knew that she slept with Stacey. Everything was slowly coming back to her. She wasn’t sure if it was the drug or Stacey but she was conflicted with the feeling of anger, betrayal, and pleasure.  She hated Stacey for what she did to her but every time she remembered an event from last night it filled her with lust. 
The random flashbacks of the night before sent her body into involuntary orgasms. She felt awful and grossed out but turned on at the same time. She hated herself.
Her heart had been racing for the last hour and she felt she may lose it. She asked the nurses how long it would take for the results and told them she would be back.
Danielle was waking up as Arianna walked in. “I’m so glad you’re ok!” Arianna said with tears in her eyes.
“Where is everyone? I tried calling Stacey but the phone here doesn’t let me call anyone’s cell phone and I don’t have the charger for mine.”
“I went to check on you last night and Stacey said you were out with your friend. I asked again this morning and she told the truth.” Arianna shook her head in disappointment.
“Why would Stacey lie about that?” Danielle asked puzzled.
“She’s stupid. I can’t believe you’ve been here this long and she didn’t even tell anyone.” Arianna hugged her friend.  She wanted to tell her about Stacey but she felt like it was a bad time since Danielle just gained consciousness.
“I want my charger. Call and have Stacey bring it.”
“You seriously think she’s gonna bring you something? She hasn’t even checked on you.”

“Oh shit, Jordan!”

“Who is that?” Arianna asked suspiciously.

“Someone,” Danielle responded smiling.

“Girl why haven’t I heard of this Jordan?”

“I haven’t talked to you in a while, or her either. I thought I would try to work it out with Stacey but her not being here right now hurts. So I don’t know now.”

“It’s not going to work out with her. She knows about this Jordan?”

“Of course not. I know you don’t like her and she messes up but she was actually trying to be there for me before this accident.”

She tried sitting up but grimaced in pain. Arianna ran to her side. “It’s ok, just lay down.”

“I’m tired of laying down, I’m tired of being here. I feel trapped and anxious. And alone because I haven’t had any visits before now.” Tears streamed down her face. At that moment Arianna felt a rage building inside of her.  Tears fell for her friend and herself.

Why would Stacey treat her like this? Why would she not tell anyone that Danielle is in the hospital? Arianna’s heart hurt for her best friend. Stacey has to be the worst person on Earth. 

“It’s ok girl, don’t cry.” It was too late. Danielle was completely inconsolable and Arianna wasn’t much help.

“It’s not, I wanna sit up!”

“OK, ok, I’ll help.” Arianna rose the bed to sitting position. Then she helped Danielle adjust. “Better?”

“Yes. Thank you.” She wiped Danielle’s tears.

“You’re welcome. You want me to bring you anything?”

“Just my phone charger and my laptop.”

“Ok, I’ll go get it.” Arianna was apprehensive because if Stacey was still home, she might kill her. The hospital wasn’t far from her condo so she went to get her car first.

She went over every scenario in her head that could happen if she were to see Stacey. None of them ended well.

Arianna knocked on the door first but there was no answer. The anger in her turned into rage again and she struggled to open the door with her key because her hands were shaking.

This time she opened the door and checked the house to make sure Stacey wasn’t home. She exhaled in relief when she didn’t find her. She grabbed the laptop and the charger, then headed back to the hospital.

Danielle was on the phone when Arianna came back. “I don’t know ma, I haven’t talked to her.” Arianna had to assume Ms. Raquel, Danielle’s mom, was talking about Stacey. Arianna told Danielle’s parents right away that she was in the hospital.

“I don’t know when you will be fed up honey. I know I’m on the outside looking in but I don’t think I can come close to understanding how Stacey could really love you and treat you this way.”

“Me either but I don’t want to talk about it now. Can you call me later on tonight? Arianna’s back.”

“Sure baby. I love you.”

“Love you too.” Danielle hung up the phone.

“Mommy troubles?” Arianna laughed.

“Seems that we aren’t the only two people pissed at Stacey.”

“I can believe that,” Arianna said. “I brought your laptop. I also grabbed the charger for you.”

“Great, thanks girl, I love you. And I missed you.”

Danielle called Jordan and invited her over. After that Arianna and Danielle talked for about an hour until Jordan got there.

The results for the rape kit had been available for a while and she wanted to see if Stacey drugged her. She was sure she had. When she has proof, she definitely intended to make Stacey pay for what she’d done to her. 


EP 9: No Honor

“So you’re going for sure then?” Shane asked anxiously.

Arianna smiled reassuringly. “Yes, I’ll be there.”

Shane looked at her passionately and squeezed her hand. “Good.” He kissed her lips gently, leaving her breathless and panting.

She always felt so good after she had lunch with Shane. They leave later now, Just in case Malachi decides to make another surprise visit.

On the way home from work she picked up Carter and grabbed dinner.

“I’m going to Ray’s house for a couple days.” Malachi said after sending Carter to bed.

Arianna looked up from her plate. “Why?”

“This… us, we’re not working.”

“What do you mean we’re not working?” Arianna asked attempting to sound clueless.

“I mean, I don’t trust you. You were missing during your lunch break. I go up there and the only person that you ever talk about from that job, tells me she thought you were with me. The last minute business trip just doesn’t make any sense to me. I don’t know what’s going on with you but if you don’t want to be with me that’s fine. I need some space.”

“So because I got an opportunity at work you’re suspicious? I can’t believe you.”

“You know that’s not what it is.”

“Actually, I don’t.”

“Well, I’m leaving. I need to think.”

“Do whatever you want, I don’t care.”

Malachi grabbed his bag and left. She missed him as soon as the door closed and it confused her. The relationship wasn’t perfect but he meant a lot to her. If he wanted her and she left, that was one thing. But what if he didn’t want her? What if she’s not the great woman she thought of herself?

He waited until Carter was asleep to leave. He also expressed that he would still be Carter’s father no matter what happened between them.

Arianna sat at the table and twirled Malachi’s house key around her finger. She allowed the wine to relax her. Enjoying every moment of each sip.

She called Danielle but her voicemail kept picking up. After she finished her second bottle she called again. “Dani, I need you!” Arianna pleaded desperately to her voicemail. Forget it, if she wasn’t going to answer the phone she would just go to her.

She called her back up baby sitter, Marissa. She got there so fast Arianna only got half way through her third bottle and she was no longer sipping it.

Arianna answered the door. “I’m glad you’re here. I have some errands to run.”

“You’re not driving anywhere you’re obviously drunk.” Marissa said as she snatched the keys from Arianna. She closed the door behind them.

“How old are you like 12? I’m not arguing with you, give me my fucking keys!”

“I’m 24, and old enough to know better than to drive drunk!” Marissa expressed, frustrated. She removed the car key from the key ring and handed it back to Arianna. She was so drunk she didn’t notice.

“Thank you, next time don’t take so long.” Arianna snatched the keys and walked out the door.

“Whatever,” Marissa said annoyed. She was curious as to what would make Arianna act like this. She was usually very calm. Almost unnaturally peaceful. She definitely knew better than to drive drunk. She could barely walk.

Marissa made sure Carter’s door was closed then hid the car key. She sat in the living room and turned on the TV.

“Where the fuck is my car key?!” Arianna said as she busted through the front door after about ten minutes.

“I don’t know, but I suggest you call a taxi.” Arianna was pissed but wasn’t in the mood to argue. She called the taxi and headed to Danielle’s apartment.

The rain poured down soaking Arianna before she could make it to the apartment building. She got on the elevator and squeezed the water out of her shirt onto the floor. There was no answer when she knocked on the door so she used her spare key and walked in after two minutes.

Stacey was in the bed, she had fallen asleep but heard the noise coming from the living room. She crept through the hallway slowly.

“Danielle, where are you?!” Arianna yelled aggravated.

Stacey flipped the light on, “Arianna?”

“Where’s Danielle?” Arianna asked looking up at Stacey.

“She went out with her friend,” Stacey lied. Danielle was spending her second night at the hospital but Stacey didn’t see how telling Arianna that would be a benefit so she didn’t mention it.

“Oh.” Arianna said then stood up. “Maybe I should go.”

Stacey stared. Arianna seemed to have grown into a beautiful woman. The thin blue blouse she wore was practically invisible because of the rain. It stuck to her, leaving every curve exposed. Her tight leather pants left little to the imagination and Stacey knew she wanted her.

“No, you should stay. She’ll be here soon. I’ll get you a towel and a change of clothes,” she offered.

Stacey looked through Danielle’s clothes for something she wanted to see Arianna in. She grabbed a white t-shirt and some small, red, cotton shorts. When Arianna came out of the bathroom Stacey damn near blew her cover. Arianna was sexy as hell. Complete perfection. She was curved and sculpted by a God who had a woman like Stacey in mind. Because Stacey wanted her.

“What?” Arianna asked, then stumbled to the couch.

“You want something to drink? I’m making coffee.”

“Yes, thank you.”

“No problem.”

Arianna watched as Stacey made the coffee. It looked like she put extra sugar in Arianna’s. Usually she would complain but she needed to sober up.

Stacey handed her the coffee. “I’m going to turn on some music.” Kem played softly through the speakers.

Arianna drank her coffee, finishing before the first song was over.

Stacey sat next to her on the couch. Their legs touched sending an overwhelming sensation through Arianna’s body. The music massaged her ears, relaxing her.

“So, what’s going on?” Stacey asked placing her hand on Arianna’s thigh.

“Malachi left, but who cares now.” Arianna smiled. “You’re cute.” She touched Stacey’s face.

“Thank you. So are you. You look hot too.”

“I am,” Arianna laughed. “Is that normal?”

“Well you can take your shirt off, get some extra air.”

“Yes!” Arianna whipped the shirt off and threw it across the room. “What’s wrong with me? Everything just feels so good right now.” She touched herself enjoying the familiar but newly appreciated sensations.

Stacey eyed her erect nipples. “You think it feels good now? Wait until I’m finished with you,” she said hungrily.

Temptation and Betrayal

EP 6: Past Lives

It’s been two days since Jordan heard from Danielle. She really didn’t know how to feel about it but assumed that maybe she was busy. Or scared. Either way Jordan was not feeling good about the situation at all.

There were a lot of things that the two of them hadn’t talked about. Like whether they were single. How could she forget to ask? Danielle was so interested in her that it had to be real. But what if she has someone at home.

“Mom can you take me to school today?” Her 12-year-old daughter, Kiyah, asked from the bathroom.

“Are your legs broken?”

“C’mon mom please?”

“Ok girl, hurry up then.”

“Can you take me to McDonald’s too?” Kiyah asked smiling.

“I knew this was a set up. I can’t trust you,” Jordan said laughing and shaking her head. “Sure.”

Kiyah ran to finish getting ready.

She talked Jordan’s ear off the entire time they were in the car together. Jordan kept thinking about how Kiyah will be starting Middle School this coming school year. It was hard to believe. It seemed like just yesterday she was telling her mom that she was pregnant.

As Jordan headed to work she thought about Danielle again. What was keeping her?

She texted her again, Where are you? and still didn’t get a response. She was feeling a little disappointed because they really hit it off the other night. They exchanged messages all day and then it’s like Danielle disappeared.

What was going on?

Her phone rang. She got excited hoping it was Danielle. But it was Ken, Kiyah’s father.

“What’s up?” Jordan answered.

“Ugh, why you always trying to sound like a man?” He said disgusted.

“Why can’t you ever be a man?” Jordan retorted.

“I’ll always be more man than you.”

“That’s debatable,” She countered rolling her eyes. “What do you want?”

“To take my daughter away from you. That dike shit is nasty and she should know.”

She slammed the phone down. She hated giving him the time of day with an argument. Ken really was a piece of work. He has always been the biggest asshole ever.  Jordan couldn’t really understand how she let it get so far with him.

She was young and he was the quarterback at the time. All the girls wanted him and since rumors always surrounded her sexuality growing up, she wanted to do something to stop them. So she dated a guy. She tried to date a guy would be more accurate. They had sex and she got pregnant.

After a long day at work Jordan liked to come home and relax. She owns five car wash and detail shops. She likes to visit one or two every day for a few hours. It’s always unannounced and chosen randomly unless there’s a complaint. Her partner fills in for her from time to time.

When Jordan pulled up she could see that Kiyah was home because the lights were on. Jordan didn’t directly give her a baby sitter but she has her neighbor Ms. Margaret check on her every couple of hours. She even does a walk through for Jordan to make sure Kiyah is safe and alone.

Jordan grabbed the mail as she headed to her condo on the top floor. Downtown Manhattan was expensive living but Jordan loved it.

She called Ms. Margaret on the way up to let her know she was home. The elevator beeped on every floor, almost as quickly as Jordan sifted through the mail.

The elevator doors opened to Jordan’s floor but she stood there staring at the familiar handwriting on the envelope addressed to her at the bottom of the stack. Jordan felt her World tumbling down around her. The color drained from her face and her eyes widened.

“Mom.” Kiyah said meeting her at the elevator.

“Yes baby,” Jordan said snapping back to reality while her heart raced with fear.

“What’s wrong? You look like you saw a ghost,” Kiyah asked worried about her mom. She glanced at the stack of mail.

“Nothing.” Jordan put the letter back on the bottom quickly so Kiyah couldn’t see it, then took the envelope directly to her room.

Kiyah stood there. She didn’t understand her mom’s strange behavior but she brushed it off.

Jordan emerged from her bedroom with a fake smile on her face, “What do you want for dinner?”

“McDonald’s!” Kiyah said with no hesitation.

“No McDonald’s, your fast food quota for the week is maxed out.”

“Well, next time can I get a warning before my last meal?” She smiled.

“How about you stop wasting it on nasty McDonald’s,” Jordan laughed. “What do you want that we have here?”

“Mom, it’s not funny,” Kiyah said laughing, “Just make whatever.”

“Ok, remember you said that. Give me 30 minutes, and dinner should be ready.”

“Alright.” Kiyah kissed her mom on the cheek and left her alone to cook dinner.

Jordan sautéed some shrimp then steamed some rice and mixed vegetables for dinner. Her mind immediately went back to the letter. How did she find her again?

She texted her brother Omar, She’s back.

Temptation and Betrayal – Hiding the Truth (EP 1)

“I’m tired of this shit. She could just be a real woman and tell me she doesn’t want to be here,” Danielle vented. She could feel the anger building inside of her.

“I told you to leave her a long time ago. I don’t even think Stacey has the capacity to be faithful,” Arianna said irritated.

“You know what Arianna, it’s hard for me to just up and leave after four years. I want us to work out.”

“I want a million dollars!” Arianna exclaimed, “but I know it’s not gonna happen.”

Danielle heard her the front door open. “She’s here girl. Thanks for talking to me I gotta go.”

“Bye girl.”

Danielle ended the call and turned the bedroom light on. Stacey stumbled in clearly tired and intoxicated.

“Where the fuck have you been?!” Danielle demanded as Stacey leaned against the doorway.

“Sorry babe my phone died,” She said not quite meeting Danielle’s eyes.

“So that excuses you for disappearing more than half the night.”

“This is ridiculous. I just got home. Damn!” Stacey defended.

“What’s been going on with you lately?”

Stacey lets out a sigh, “What are you talking about?”

“You! You’ve been super distant, coming home all hours of the night, and tonight I called you 10 times! You didn’t even answer!”

“I already told you my phone died and I didn’t get it,” Stacey claimed.


Stacey took her shirt off revealing chiseled abs, her locs fell to her shoulders, outlining her face. Danielle could not help but to think about how sexy she looked undressing. It didn’t help that they hadn’t had sex in weeks. “You’re tripping right now. I just want to get ready for bed,” said Stacey.

“I’m tripping? Seriously? You come home at three in the morning and I’m the one with the problem? You must think I’m stupid.”

“I’m not discussing this with you right now. I’m taking a shower and going to bed.” Stacey finished undressing and jumped in the shower. She really did feel bad about coming in so late but she fell asleep. Lately things had been different. Danielle had been nagging continuously and Stacey honestly felt the end of the relationship was near but how could she tell her that?

The hot water streamed down her body washing away the sins of another woman. Was Stacey a cheater? Of course. Did she love Danielle? Yes. But this wasn’t really about love. They had been together since Stacey was pretty young, 21, and she was starting to feel as if maybe Danielle wasn’t the one.

Stacey considered the fact that she should comfort Danielle instead of acting like her concerns were unwarranted. She stepped out of the shower drying her body off and thinking about how good it used to be.

She walked into the room to see a frustrated Danielle lying on the bed crying.

Danielle felt stupid for crying. Why is she staying here? Is love really worth this pain? Is this even love?

Stacey knelt in front of her. Their eyes met, “I’m sorry babe. It’s been a really long night,” Stacey said wiping the tears from her girlfriend’s face. The pain she caused pierced her heart.

“A long night with you and some other bitch, but what about my night sitting here waiting for you?” Danielle turned away from her. She was hurt. Everything that she had done and sacrificed for this relationship seemed to mean nothing to Stacey.

“I wasn’t with another bitch,” Stacey lied. She felt guilt creep slowly through her body.

“Sure you weren’t,” Danielle said trying her best to stop crying.

Stacey slipped under the covers. Danielle inhaled her scent loving it but feeling betrayed, she turned away from her again.

Stacey’s hand made its way up Danielle’s shirt squeezing her breast gently. “Stop!” Danielle demanded quietly pushing her away but her nipples hardened betraying her.

“Don’t be mad. It won’t happen again,” Stacey promised sucking Danielle’s neck into her mouth making her submit.

Stacey slid her hand into Danielle’s panties. She wanted to resist but her body longed for Stacey’s touch. It had been too long. She let out a moan as her legs opened, welcoming Stacey. “Mm,” Danielle listened to Stacey’s stifled moans as her fingers ventured between her legs parting her lips. Stacey’s body was pressed firmly against Danielle’s as her fingers traveled deep inside Danielle finding the spot where she so desperately needed to be touched.

Stacey moaned as her fingers stroked Danielle leaving her breathless. She still had the best out there. Danielle’s body tightened as she moaned in pleasure. She could feel herself losing control of her body. “Damn,” she moaned. Stacey stroked her relentlessly until her hand was soaked in her juices. Danielle’s body shook with pleasure. “Stop,” she said as she removed Stacey’s hand from her. “Go sleep on the couch.”

“Damn,” Stacey said getting out of bed and heading for the couch.

Danielle felt bad for allowing Stacey’s hand to even touch her. Why couldn’t she respect her? Four years and their relationship meant nothing.

Virginity: One Hole, One Penis

It’s been a while but I was recently reminded that I need to keep up with this blog. I have many dating adventures which I will most definitely share.

I was having a conversation with a woman I speak with regularly. Usually it’s about a woman that we both are friends with, whom she claims to be so into. Today she says to me “It’s hard for me to know where I stand with you.” So I tell her, “I physically find you attractive but you have too much going on for me to consider being anything more than friends with you.”
Just so you have a background on her. She lives with a chick that she has sex with on the regular basis. She’s adopted and has many issues with her foster parents and her real parents. She is a really good looking woman externally, but internally she needs to find herself.
So later in the conversation, I asked her about being a “touch me not.” In case you don’t know what that is, it’s a woman that doesn’t like their lady parts being touched at all during sex. So she says something along the lines of, “I’ve learned from my friends about giving it up to people who don’t deserve it. I’m saving myself for love. I’m a true virgin.”
I respond, “I understand, I enjoy sex very much but it’s not satisfying when it’s not with someone I don’t care about.”
She says, “It won’t be until you learn to love yourself and that person also loves you.” Then she goes on this rant “People low key high key blow tf out me. Is the world so phuqd that Purity is so invincible. Self preservation must just be a thing of the past that died with chivalry and verbal articulation? This worlds abnormalities make me feel like a motherless child and the last of a dying breed.”
Obviously I felt that this was directed toward me although she didn’t specifically say it to me. I have a couple issues with her thinking.
1. She’s not a virgin, she uses a strap on to have sex with females and provides oral sex to them.
2. Who says I don’t love myself?
Although I was quite offended by her words, I understand that she has some issues that she needs to deal with herself. So I didn’t go off on her. Although I felt she deserves it. 
But I have ran across this issue many times. People who believe that virginity is the act of a man penetrating a woman’s vagina with his penis. Although I lost my virginity this way I believe that sex is sex period. 
I used to know this chick that enjoyed anal and oral sex. She also enjoyed being fingered BUT since her vagina had never been penetrated by a penis she calls herself a virgin. 
Do you see where I’m going with this? Forget me being offended by her assumption that I don’t love myself because I enjoy sex. Why would anyone who engages in sex consider themselves virgins. 
Maybe this is just my opinion but as a woman all those things I gave as an example would be sex if I did them or asked my significant other if they have done them. I assume in the straight World men are more lenient with fingering being sex but as lesbians this is something we do regularly in bed and there is no way it’s not sex. Also, if you can catch an STD from it, with the exception of kissing, it is definitely considered sex in my eyes. 
But you know what they say, “Opinions are like assholes. Everybody has one.” Personally I’m teaching my son that sex is sex and he needs to protect himself no matter where he lays his mouth or penis. But hey, maybe it’s just me. 

Caught Up

It’s been a while and super intense. I’ve decided that the whole relationship thing is not for me… at all. The friend I had on the “side” broke up with her girlfriend. Then a couple days later she asked me if I still had a girl. I was like, “why is she asking me this?”

What made me break up with my girl? Before I tell this story.. don’t judge me. I mean hell I really don’t care but I feel like what I’m doing is slightly wrong. 

I’m staying with my sister until I start school in August. I had to get my son because his father was acting like an ass giving me issues picking him up. I told him that I refuse to ever stress over him again so if he wants his son back, we have to go to court. End of discussion on that. I never wanted to do that but if you saw some of the things he said to me when I wanted to get my son you would understand. Bottom line he’s my son and I refuse to make any more sacrifices with his time. I will have to tell that story at a different time. 

I have my baby full time. I’m not working right now so I do A LOT around this house. It’s like a full time job living here. I’m not exaggerating at all. I have no problem with that but my girlfriend stays giving me issues. 

Not only does she keep begging me for time she has been going through shit and has these negative ass goggles on for her life. I could make a whole list of shit that’s happened to me that’s worse than what she has been and is going through. Seriously, I give her advice on her life and she snaps on me. 

For example:

She started a new job. I told her that they were gonna wait three weeks to pay her regardless. Every job does it. Instead of listening to me she listened to them and they gave her an excuse when pay day came so she has to wait. So she was upset. “I don’t have a way to work,” “I don’t have food to eat” blah blah blah. 

She has another family that actually includes her as her family, so I told her to go over there and eat. She tells me that she hasn’t been over there in weeks and she’s not gonna go over there just to eat, she’d rather starve. So I told her to starve then. I wanted to curse her ass out because she was throwing herself the biggest pity party of all time. Then when I tell her it’s gonna be ok, she tells me it’s easy for me to say because I’m not going through it. Because I’ve apparently never been hungry or in need of gas for work. That pissed me off. 

Now, let’s get to what made my final decision. I slept with my sister in law. I definitely shouldn’t have. It was a very bad idea. I broke up with my girl the next day. I won’t lie I had been trying to get it for like a week. She kept telling me no but I could tell she wanted to so I kept pursuing her. I wanted her so bad… still do. I asked myself “Do you wanna sleep with her” yes “Should you sleep with her” no “Are you going to sleep with her?” The last question puzzled me because I know I shouldn’t. But she is so freaking sexy. 

The night in question she had given me her number earlier that day. So I felt like I was getting close. I slid into her bed that night. And the way she kissed me made me weak. I mean it felt so good my body submitted to her so quick. That started it for me. Even thinking about it now makes my body so hot. It was intense, touching her, kissing her, mm. 

As soon as it was over and I was laying in her arms I said, “This was most definitely a bad idea.” The truth is I did want it to be just about sex but it’s not. Women geez… This shit with her is intense. Kinda how Sharice and I were in the beginning. 

She’s over here pressuring me to tell my parents that I’m gay. I already have a plan to tell them… at the end of the summer before I leave the state. She’s stuck on this shit. I’m like they’re my parents, I’ll tell them.  

I was chilling with my mom last night and she text me, “everyone else seems so unimportant since I met u.” Being honest with myself, I know I’m not ready for a relationship at all. I just want to have sex to be honest. I do feel where she’s coming from tho because I really haven’t cared about anyone else either since I met her. I was focused on getting her in bed meanwhile she’s trying to get into my heart. I wish this wasn’t so complicated. 

It’s way too easy to fall in love with women. Although I know I’m not in love it’s hard for me to dismiss the emotions she takes from me. Smh. I’m terrible lol. 

My Indiscretions

Sharice and I have been getting along well… Too well actually. We were on the phone the other night and boy do I love talking to her. 

First of all, I crossed the line or one of us did. I don’t know but we definitely said some things that neither of our girlfriends would approve of.

We talked though and we had a real conversation of this nonexistent “us.” This game we play with each other, over and over again.

I told her that I feel guilty talking to her and that my girlfriend doesn’t know about her. She says that her girlfriend does not like me. She told me that she has changed my name in her phone so many times. 

What did I tell you about this girl? I need rehab. She makes me feel like my insides are fluffy. Like my body gets high when I deal with her. There was a time when I wanted to be with her, but I don’t want to now. I do want her though. I just don’t understand the capacity that I desire her. 

She complains about her girlfriend often. She talks about her like she doesn’t like her. I told her to stop doing that. I mean, I love my girl and for the most part we get along and I like her a lot. 

Anyway, I don’t know how we got on the topic of us, but I said, “I couldn’t have you.” 
She responded, “You’re married.” and I was legitimately surprised. I didn’t even know that we “broke up” because I was married, I thought it was because she didn’t like how I treated her. I suppose it could’ve been a little of both.

When her and I were in our exclusive stage, I had told her that I was gay. I didn’t tell her that I was married let alone living with my husband. Him and I were separated but he was still (and is still) trying to get back with me. 

She was a stripper at the time (don’t judge me lol) and one night she texted me when she got off and it was like 2 in the morning. My husband and I still slept in the same bed for a few hours a night, our schedules didn’t allow more than that. 

So he heard my phone go off and asked me why it was ringing in the middle of the night. I told him it was an email (My usual excuse). The next day I’m at work and I get a message on my phone that my “My Verizon” password had been changed. I went online to sign in and saw that it hadn’t so I disregarded it. 

Next thing I know she is text me “WTF Shae” her exact words. I found out that he called her phone from my number (caller ID faker) and cursed her out. Called her all kinds of dykes, talked about her wanting to be a man and all this other bullshit. 

I felt so bad. I thought she would never speak to me again but she didn’t. She stayed around and she loved me anyway. 

I was head over heels for this girl since day one. Day one! I mean we met and I or we have been on this roller coaster ride ever since. 

So I guess in a lot of ways, it was both of us in the beginning even though I don’t approve how she got a girlfriend on me. Especially since I was asking her if she was talking to someone else. 

I suppose I got over it. She is still a big part of my life and she is my first example of a lesbian woman who actually cared for me. 

Honestly, I know that her and I will end up doing something that will hurt both of our girlfriends. We don’t even have a future. Or maybe we do and I don’t know what it is. I know and she knows that we should NOT be talking at all based on our past and how we feel about each other. I don’t even think she’s worth me hurting my girlfriend. I know my actions don’t show it.