It’s been a while and super intense. I’ve decided that the whole relationship thing is not for me… at all. The friend I had on the “side” broke up with her girlfriend. Then a couple days later she asked me if I still had a girl. I was like, “why is she asking me this?”
What made me break up with my girl? Before I tell this story.. don’t judge me. I mean hell I really don’t care but I feel like what I’m doing is slightly wrong.
I’m staying with my sister until I start school in August. I had to get my son because his father was acting like an ass giving me issues picking him up. I told him that I refuse to ever stress over him again so if he wants his son back, we have to go to court. End of discussion on that. I never wanted to do that but if you saw some of the things he said to me when I wanted to get my son you would understand. Bottom line he’s my son and I refuse to make any more sacrifices with his time. I will have to tell that story at a different time.
I have my baby full time. I’m not working right now so I do A LOT around this house. It’s like a full time job living here. I’m not exaggerating at all. I have no problem with that but my girlfriend stays giving me issues.
Not only does she keep begging me for time she has been going through shit and has these negative ass goggles on for her life. I could make a whole list of shit that’s happened to me that’s worse than what she has been and is going through. Seriously, I give her advice on her life and she snaps on me.
She started a new job. I told her that they were gonna wait three weeks to pay her regardless. Every job does it. Instead of listening to me she listened to them and they gave her an excuse when pay day came so she has to wait. So she was upset. “I don’t have a way to work,” “I don’t have food to eat” blah blah blah.
She has another family that actually includes her as her family, so I told her to go over there and eat. She tells me that she hasn’t been over there in weeks and she’s not gonna go over there just to eat, she’d rather starve. So I told her to starve then. I wanted to curse her ass out because she was throwing herself the biggest pity party of all time. Then when I tell her it’s gonna be ok, she tells me it’s easy for me to say because I’m not going through it. Because I’ve apparently never been hungry or in need of gas for work. That pissed me off.
Now, let’s get to what made my final decision. I slept with my sister in law. I definitely shouldn’t have. It was a very bad idea. I broke up with my girl the next day. I won’t lie I had been trying to get it for like a week. She kept telling me no but I could tell she wanted to so I kept pursuing her. I wanted her so bad… still do. I asked myself “Do you wanna sleep with her” yes “Should you sleep with her” no “Are you going to sleep with her?” The last question puzzled me because I know I shouldn’t. But she is so freaking sexy.
The night in question she had given me her number earlier that day. So I felt like I was getting close. I slid into her bed that night. And the way she kissed me made me weak. I mean it felt so good my body submitted to her so quick. That started it for me. Even thinking about it now makes my body so hot. It was intense, touching her, kissing her, mm.
As soon as it was over and I was laying in her arms I said, “This was most definitely a bad idea.” The truth is I did want it to be just about sex but it’s not. Women geez… This shit with her is intense. Kinda how Sharice and I were in the beginning.
She’s over here pressuring me to tell my parents that I’m gay. I already have a plan to tell them… at the end of the summer before I leave the state. She’s stuck on this shit. I’m like they’re my parents, I’ll tell them.
I was chilling with my mom last night and she text me, “everyone else seems so unimportant since I met u.” Being honest with myself, I know I’m not ready for a relationship at all. I just want to have sex to be honest. I do feel where she’s coming from tho because I really haven’t cared about anyone else either since I met her. I was focused on getting her in bed meanwhile she’s trying to get into my heart. I wish this wasn’t so complicated.
It’s way too easy to fall in love with women. Although I know I’m not in love it’s hard for me to dismiss the emotions she takes from me. Smh. I’m terrible lol.
Sharice and I have been getting along well… Too well actually. We were on the phone the other night and boy do I love talking to her.
First of all, I crossed the line or one of us did. I don’t know but we definitely said some things that neither of our girlfriends would approve of.
We talked though and we had a real conversation of this nonexistent “us.” This game we play with each other, over and over again.
I told her that I feel guilty talking to her and that my girlfriend doesn’t know about her. She says that her girlfriend does not like me. She told me that she has changed my name in her phone so many times.
What did I tell you about this girl? I need rehab. She makes me feel like my insides are fluffy. Like my body gets high when I deal with her. There was a time when I wanted to be with her, but I don’t want to now. I do want her though. I just don’t understand the capacity that I desire her.
She complains about her girlfriend often. She talks about her like she doesn’t like her. I told her to stop doing that. I mean, I love my girl and for the most part we get along and I like her a lot.
Anyway, I don’t know how we got on the topic of us, but I said, “I couldn’t have you.”
She responded, “You’re married.” and I was legitimately surprised. I didn’t even know that we “broke up” because I was married, I thought it was because she didn’t like how I treated her. I suppose it could’ve been a little of both.
When her and I were in our exclusive stage, I had told her that I was gay. I didn’t tell her that I was married let alone living with my husband. Him and I were separated but he was still (and is still) trying to get back with me.
She was a stripper at the time (don’t judge me lol) and one night she texted me when she got off and it was like 2 in the morning. My husband and I still slept in the same bed for a few hours a night, our schedules didn’t allow more than that.
So he heard my phone go off and asked me why it was ringing in the middle of the night. I told him it was an email (My usual excuse). The next day I’m at work and I get a message on my phone that my “My Verizon” password had been changed. I went online to sign in and saw that it hadn’t so I disregarded it.
Next thing I know she is text me “WTF Shae” her exact words. I found out that he called her phone from my number (caller ID faker) and cursed her out. Called her all kinds of dykes, talked about her wanting to be a man and all this other bullshit.
I felt so bad. I thought she would never speak to me again but she didn’t. She stayed around and she loved me anyway.
I was head over heels for this girl since day one. Day one! I mean we met and I or we have been on this roller coaster ride ever since.
So I guess in a lot of ways, it was both of us in the beginning even though I don’t approve how she got a girlfriend on me. Especially since I was asking her if she was talking to someone else.
I suppose I got over it. She is still a big part of my life and she is my first example of a lesbian woman who actually cared for me.
Honestly, I know that her and I will end up doing something that will hurt both of our girlfriends. We don’t even have a future. Or maybe we do and I don’t know what it is. I know and she knows that we should NOT be talking at all based on our past and how we feel about each other. I don’t even think she’s worth me hurting my girlfriend. I know my actions don’t show it.